We all “show-up” at home whether it be in the morning, afternoon or evening...we are physically available for our children. However, the quality of how we show up determines if our presence is helpful. Research has clearly demonstrated that being physically present, emotionally present, AND tuned in to your child is one of the most effective ways to lay the groundwork for a collaborative relationship. This intentional presence creates an environment in which your child is willing and able to listen and make helpful choices.

• In action: Taking care of yourself is an easy way to clear your head and create mental space to be present and focused on your child. Taking care of your own needs naturally allows you to be more aware of your child’s needs, respond in a calmer and more effective manner, and allows for more complex mental tasks like perspective taking and empathy (see below). Think about how differently you engage with your child on a rushed morning when you are sleep deprived and running late out the door (e.g., running around, maybe yelling, no calm connection points) vs. a morning when you woke up early, had a cup of coffee and felt ready for your child and the day (e.g., calmer and warmer tone of voice, consistent and predictable engagement with your child and higher distress tolerance). This is the quality of presence that helps a child feel safe, seen and loved.

Seeking to understand where your child is coming from (really putting yourself in their shoes) allows you to authentically empathize and connect with your child. When a child feels seen, heard and understood, they are often able to manage their big feelings and problems without any additional parenting tricks or problem solving. Thinking about the situation through the eyes of your child and empathizing on a regular basis will decrease the frequency of those problem behaviors and make them easier to manage when they do come up!

• In action: Put yourself in your child’s shoes! Next time your child has a full-on meltdown after dropping a scoop of their ice cream, resist the temptation to look at this situation through an adult lens (i.e., this is not a big problem and you really didn’t need all that sugar anyway). Instead, put yourself in your child’s shoes and connect with their experience (i.e., Ice cream is such an exciting treat and I’ve been looking forward to this outing all day - at this moment there is nothing worse that could have happened!) Remind yourself as well that this is a developmentally reasonable perspective, your child does not have the same ability to quickly re-frame the situation or regulate their emotions in the same way you do (See our Developmental Milestones Primer).

These are evidence-based skills that promote a loving and supportive relationship, build self-esteem and help a child feel seen, loved, valued and capable. Try out one at a time. When it starts to feel easy and natural, add another to the mix.

• Narrate. Pretend you are a sportscaster and narrate exactly what your child is doing. For example, “You stacked the cups on top of each other.”

• Repeat. Say exactly what your child says. It’s a verbal way to show you are paying attention. For example, if your child says, “Look! A race car!” You’ll say, “A race car!”

• Label emotions. Take a guess at what your child might be feeling, and say it aloud. For example, “I see the tears. You’re feeling frustrated.”

• Validate emotions. Let them know their feelings make sense to you. This is different from agreeing with their behavior. For example, “You were so mad your tower fell that you threw a toy. It’s really disappointing when something you’ve worked hard on falls apart.”

• Non-verbals. Use your body language to non-verbally show you are paying attention to them. When playing, do what your child is doing. For example, if your child draws a green circle, you draw a green circle on your paper.

• Delight. Layer on the warmth and enthusiasm. Let them feel how much you enjoy their presence. Delight in everything - achievement-oriented tasks and children just being themselves!

The way you talk about your child becomes their internal voice. You’re probably already pretty careful with your words. After all, we know kids are little sponges! But, this care should be taken especially when talking to and about your child (pause and remember this before a snarky or embarrassing comment about your child to another adult!). Children learn about who they are and what they can expect from themselves largely from you (and other important people around them). The message from you should be one of hope, delight, belief, and competence.

• In action: when a child works really hard to put a puzzle together, let them know exactly what you see in them, “Wow, that was tough but you stuck with it! You’re a hard worker!” Your child will hear this and internalize it. They will begin to expect this behavior from themselves and will believe these things are true! Unfortunately the reverse is true as well, if in the heat of the moment you communicate a negative character quality to your child, they will, in fact, believe that is true of themselves. Take a minute to review our character quality list and be on the lookout to label these attributes in your child daily!

The most powerful way to promote prosocial behaviors (the behaviors you want to see in your child) is by reinforcing the things that they are doing well. Research clearly demonstrates that praising a positive behavior is more likely to encourage more positive behaviors than giving a consequence for a negative behavior. Positive reinforcement can be as simple as using your words. Think of this as providing verbal and nonverbal attention, praise and/or rewards for behaviors that are helpful. For example, you might give your two year old a sticker each time you “catch” them listening during the day or give lots of praise and high-fives when your toddler attempts to use the toilet.

• In action: “Catch” your child doing helpful things throughout the day. It can be as small as thanking your child for holding her foot out when it’s time to put her sock on. Let them know how and why you appreciate their choice and why that choice is helpful to them and others. Think of this as providing tons of opportunities to learn, receive feedback and practice helpful choices.