Module 4: Raising Resilience
Coping for Kids
Equip them for now and later
20 MINUTE READ
Published September 2024
AUTHOR
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Contributing Editor, Licensed Psychologist
Coping skills help us with the tough moments, the moments when you feel dysregulated and not like yourself. Even young children can begin to learn coping skills to help them navigate through challenges. And, perhaps more importantly, parents can teach and model coping skills for their children to set the stage for helpful coping throughout their life.
Setting the stage for healthy habits
In this guide, we’ll give you a basic understanding of one of the most prominent, evidence-based theories in the field of psychology and mental health. You’ll not only learn the foundational theory, but also how you can put it into practice. Your job is to understand the why and the how of these coping strategies and start using them yourself! Your child will be able to learn a few of the strategies mentioned (i.e., the relaxation strategies), but they will learn a lot of the strategies described below through your use of them in your own life (modeling). Young children’s brains are not developed enough to understand the rationale and be able to implement these strategies¹. You can begin introducing and modeling these skills when your child is about 3 years old, but we don’t expect them to begin to engage in them more independently until around 7 years. Your focus will be on letting these coping strategies infiltrate how you think about your own experience of coping and how you model coping to your young child. By doing so, you are building a strong foundation for your child to learn to cope throughout their life.
Breaking it down further
A young child’s brain is designed to rely on their parents to help them cope. This is called co-regulation². When your toddler is relying on you to help them manage their negative emotions, they are right on track. As your young child approaches school-age, they can begin to do and learn more about coping skills. The Wheel of Emotion guide gives information about emotion and co-regulation. That’s a great place to start! When you are ready to expand upon those skills and take it to the next level, keep reading through this guide.
The Basic Model: Thoughts, Feelings, & Actions
Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) was initially developed by Aaron Beck and countless researchers have contributed to our understanding and the application of this model over the last several decades. The premise is that thoughts, feelings, and actions are all connected and they all impact each other (see figure below)³. Our feelings impact our thoughts and our actions. Our thoughts impact our feelings and our actions. And our actions impact our thoughts and our feelings. Understanding how thoughts, feelings, and actions are connected gives us great insight into how we can cope with bothersome/unwanted thoughts, feelings, and actions. If we use a coping strategy that targets one of those areas, you can see changes in the other areas also. For example, if you use a coping strategy to change how your body physically feels, your thoughts and actions will start to move in a more helpful direction also. We’ll review coping strategies that address each of these areas: feelings, thoughts, and actions³.
Thoughts
Feelings
Actions
Changing your physical feeling: Relaxation strategies
Parents can teach young children strategies they can use to relax their bodies. There are a few evidence-based relaxation strategies for young children that we’ll teach you.
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When teaching a young child breathing exercises, we want to make it as concrete as possible. One idea is to pretend you are baking cookies in the oven. When the cookies are ready, you smell them (inhale) and then cool them off with your breath (a slow, long exhale). Another idea is to have your child lay down, and put a stuffed animal on their stomach. As they take breaths, let them watch the stuffed animal rise and fall.
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This is a series of tensing and then totally relaxing a muscle group. You can teach this to your child by pretending to “make lemonade.” You pretend to hold the lemons in your hands and squeeze them tight, tight, tight. Then, you shake all the juice off your hands, as you loosely shake your hands as the muscles relax. It’s important that you completely shake out (and relax) the muscle group.
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You’ll use your imagination to pretend that you are somewhere that evokes a sense of peace and security. One way for a child to use this strategy is to draw their “happy place.” Their drawing doesn’t need to look anything like it, and can be a collection of scribbles on the paper. As they are drawing it, ask them questions about the calming place to get them thinking about it. If you don’t have colors and paper with you, no problem! You can use this strategy on the go by having them imagine their “happy place” and ask them questions about it involving their 5 senses. For example, a child may identify their “happy place” as their backyard. Say, “What do you see? Do you see any trees? Are there birds in the trees? What colors are the flowers? What do you hear? Are the birds singing? If you could reach out and touch something, what would it feel like?” These questions related to their 5 senses help them immerse themselves in their “happy place.”
Your child may love all of these, or they may only like one. That’s completely okay! We want you to feel equipped with multiple options, but your child can then choose which they want to employ. They may even prefer a different relaxation strategy like singing a song or rocking in your arms. Use whatever works for your child. Every child is different, and every situation is different.
Changing your thoughts
Our thoughts are powerful. What are thoughts anyway? Very simply put, thoughts are things that go in and out of your head. They are sometimes true and helpful, and sometimes not. Sometimes, we hold on tightly to a thought and it becomes part of our belief system about how we see ourselves or the world around us (even when it may not be true and certainly is not helpful)³.
Research tells us that our thoughts can be changed. You don’t have to stay stuck in an unhelpful thought forever. As we mentioned above, changing how you think can change how you feel and the decisions you make. Before we teach you how to change your thoughts, let’s review the different layers of thoughts. An automatic thought is the most surface level. It is what pops into your head in any given situation. When you are unloading the groceries from your car, an automatic thought may be, “Let’s see if I can grab that last bag so I don’t have to make another trip.” The deepest layer of thoughts are your core beliefs. These are part of our deeply ingrained belief system about how you see yourself and how the world works. We want to focus on changing our automatic thoughts (the surface level ones) because they are easiest to change. Over time and with repetition, your new automatic thoughts will start to change your core beliefs. As you change your own thinking and help your child change how they think, you are shifting their internal narrative about themselves and the world around them.
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Example: It is incredibly rude and disrespectful to be late.
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Is this for sure true?
Example: There are some settings when it may be disrespectful to be late, and there are some settings when it may not matter if you are late. It’s not always true that it’s disrespectful to be late.
What else may I consider?
Example: People usually understand that it takes time to get out the door with young children, and that things come up even when there aren’t children involved. Being punctual every single time is an unrealistic expectation for anyone.
Is it helpful for me to think about this?
Example: It’s not helping me to think about this because it increases my stress level as I’m trying to get out the door. The pressure and stress make it harder for me to think through what I need to do before leaving.
You don’t have to stick the exact questions mentioned above. Feel free to ask yourself any question that may be helpful in loosening your grip on the original thought.
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Example: It may not matter as much as I thought if I’m running late. People tend to understand. Thinking about being late doesn’t really help me much either.
Do something different
We’ve talked about changing your physiological state and changing your thoughts. Now it’s time to talk about changing your actions, or making different decisions.
Without intervention, the usual cycle of how you make a decision to do something goes like this: I feel like doing X so I do X, I feel like doing Y so I do Y, etc. We often wait until we “feel like” doing something before doing it. It sure is nice when we feel like doing something we have to do! But we don’t have to wait until we feel like doing something to do it. You can choose to change your actions, even when you don’t feel like it. Remember, changing your actions can actually change how you feel (and what you think)³! Nothing may feel more dreadful than washing fruit and prepping snacks. When you choose to get started on the task anyway, the feelings of dread may decrease. It’s possible you end up enjoying it, or even feeling neutral about it. It’s also possible that you don’t really enjoy it, but you do feel a huge sense of accomplishment having completed the task. That feeling of accomplishment can be quite a mood booster! You just changed how you felt by changing what you did!
The practical pieces
A basketball coach would never wait until the championship game to teach his team a new play. The coach would first explain it to the team, and then let them try it out in low-stakes situations (e.g., practice). Once the team has a good understanding of the play and feels comfortable in their ability to execute it, they’ll try it out at a game. When you teach your children coping skills, you want to follow the same model. Find a calm moment to explain to them what the skill is. Demonstrate it. Practice it together. Then encourage them to practice it in low-stakes situations (starting with moments when they are already calm and working their way to trying it when they feel low levels of a bothersome feeling). Once they’ve mastered it they can begin to use it in moments of heightened emotion. Some children don’t mind you reminding them to use a coping strategy when they need it. Other children don’t like to be reminded. No big deal. If you have a child that doesn’t like to be reminded of coping strategies at the moment, you can always model the skill without directing your child to do it. At this age, the only skill you’d explicitly teach your child from this guide are the relaxation strategies. Don’t forget about the importance of co-regulation as well (see Wheel of Emotion guide).
Can my young child actually do this?
As you read through some of the strategies, you may have been wondering if your young child can actually do this.
We absolutely do not expect young children to fully understand the rationale behind the strategies and engage in them (especially independently)¹. Your young child can start to learn ways to relax their bodies when it’s taught in a concrete way, and can benefit from seeing their parents engage in relaxation strategies. Your young child’s brain is not developed enough to be able to change their thinking or choose to do an activity to boost their mood. But you can! You can begin to model these skills aloud in bite-sized ways. When you help them redirect to a new activity, you are showing them that changing their actions can change their feeling state. When you change the way you talk about a situation, they are hearing your words and it’s impacting their internal narrative. At Triplemoon, we are focused on building a strong foundation for you and your child. If you understand these types of coping strategies and begin to model them, your child will be ahead of the curve once their brain is developed enough to really learn these strategies in a more independent way.
What the research says
Preschoolers do have the capacity to learn social-emotional skills to promote healthy coping skills⁴.
When 5 year olds used progressive muscle relaxation consistently, it was not only effective at increasing relaxation but also increased attention and executive functioning skills⁵.
Preschool children are able to understand both simple instructions (e.g., squeeze your hands) and metaphors (e.g., pretend you are making lemonade) when you teach them relaxation strategies⁶.
What it might look like for you
FEELINGS: Example Dialogue of Guided Imagery (“Happy Place”) with a Child
Parent: We are going to pretend together that you are at a place that makes you feel happy. Where do you feel happy?
Child: The swimming pool!
Parent: Okay, let’s pretend that you are at the swimming pool. Close your eyes and imagine you are at the pool. What do you see?
Child: My little boat! And the yellow bucket!
Parent: Tell me about the water. Is there splashing or is it still?
Child: Splashing!
Parent: Are there any people around? Who is there?
Child: Just me and mom and dad and the lifeguard and my friend Joe.
Parent: What sounds do you hear at the pool? Do you hear people’s voices talking?
Child: Yes, mom is talking. And they are playing music at the pool.
Parent: Do you hear the water make a noise when you splash?
Child: Yes!
Parent: If you could reach out and touch something, what would it feel like?
Child: I’ll touch the water!
Parent: Great! Is the water cold or warm?
Child: It’s cold. I feel it on my arms and face when I’m splashing.
Parent: Great job. How do you feel after pretending we were at the swimming pool?
Child: Good!
Making a Change
Remember, young children are not able to engage in these steps. You, as the parent, can go through these steps yourself and narrate some of them aloud. Let your child hear the new perspective, but don’t impose it on them. Just let them listen, and eventually the helpful way of thinking will be internalized.
Making a mindset shift
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A friend is over and Susie feels angry that she has to share her toys with her friend.
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“I’m mad that I have to share. These are my toys!”
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Is it for sure true? Yes! They are Susie’s toys. It’s especially hard to share when it’s your toys.
What else may I consider? Susie has been so excited for her friend to play. She likes having her friend there to play with, even if it is hard to share toys.
Is it helpful for me to think about this? It’s okay to feel mad, but thinking about how mad I am is keeping me feeling mad.
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“It’s really hard to share my toys, but I’m also so happy that my friend is over. Maybe we can play outside for a little instead of playing with the toys inside.”
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Marshall is overwhelmed with sadness when it’s bedtime.
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“I don’t want to go to bed! I want to keep playing! No, no, no bedtime!”
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Is it for sure true? Yes! I really don’t like bedtime.
What else may I consider? Bedtime happens every day even if I don’t want it to. Maybe my dad and I can do something special at bedtime so there is a part that I like.
Is it helpful for me to think about this? Not really. It just makes me feel sadder. Instead, I’m going to think about how my dad and I can make it extra special.
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“Bedtime is my least favorite part of the day because that means playtime is over. I know I have to go to bed, so I’m going to make it as special as I can with my dad. It’ll be kinda fun to make it special with him.”
Choosing a different action
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James does not want to get dressed. He doesn’t want to stop playing to change out of his pajamas, but he does want to go to play at the playground.
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He really doesn’t feel like taking his shirt off. He just doesn’t like how it feels when it goes over his head. It seems boring to stop playing.
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Even though James does not want to change clothes, you explain clearly and matter-of-factly that you’ll be helping him change before going to the playground. After giving him notice, you’ll start the process of getting him dressed.
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He might not have enjoyed changing his clothes, but he is glad that he can go to the playground now. He’s relieved that changing his clothes is behind him.
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Lucy does not want to get in her car seat.
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She feels powerless as her mom straps her in the car seat.
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Lucy’s mom knows that she doesn’t like being put in the car seat. She knows that Lucy does have to sit in the car seat, but gives Lucy something else to do while in the car seat. Lucy’s mom keeps a book and a sticker book in the car for Lucy to do while in the car seat.
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Lucy still doesn’t like being in the car seat, but engaging in the activity makes it a more pleasant experience. She doesn’t dread it as much, and looks forward to seeing which book is in the car that day.
About the author
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Dr. Margaret Vadiee is a Licensed Psychologist and a former Adjunct Clinical Assistant Professor at Southern Methodist University in the Psychology Department.
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When to get
expert support
If you think you need expert support, this is a great reason to pop into office hours. Sometimes you might need more support, and that's okay!
You are feeling overwhelmed and find it challenging to have mental headspace to model and teach your children coping skills.
You’ve been modeling coping skills for your child, but it still hasn’t seemed to click after lots of repetition.
Your child seems “not like themselves” more often than you hoped.
Have a question for your coach?
Schedule time during their weekly office hours! We know not all questions come up on a schedule, which is why your coach is also available outside of the sessions included in your Learning Program.
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Ray, D. C. (2016). A therapist’s guide to child development. Routledge.
Gillespie, L. (2015). It takes two: The role of co-regulation in building self-regulation skills. YC Young Children, 70(3), 94-96.
Beck, J. S. (2020). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond. Guilford Publications.
Pang, D., Frydenberg, E., Liang, R., Deans, J., & Su, L. (2018). Improving Coping Skills and Promoting Social and Emotional Competence in Pre-Schoolers: A Pilot Study on COPE-R Program. Journal of Early Childhood Education Research, 7(2), 362-391.
Jarraya, S., Jarraya, M., & Engel, F. A. (2022). Kindergarten-based progressive muscle relaxation training enhances attention and executive functioning: A randomized controlled trial. Perceptual and Motor Skills, 129(3), 644-669.
Heffner, M., Greco, L. A., & Eifert, G. H. (2003). Pretend you are a turtle: Children's responses to metaphorical versus literal relaxation instructions. Child & Family Behavior Therapy, 25(1), 19-33.