Module 2: Supporting Your Child's Mental and Emotional Well-being
Play Therapy at Home
Play is the best medicine
15 MINUTE READ
Published September 2024
AUTHOR
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Contributing Editor, Licensed Psychologist
Time to play! Yes, play! Pack up the light-up, techy “educational” toys, and get back to the basics of blocks, play food, and stuffed animals. Child-led play time with a parent does wonders for brain development - no explicit learning or instruction required!
Play is the language of children
Playing is paramount in childhood. Children communicate through play in early childhood. If you want to know what your child is thinking about, watch how they play! Parents can play with their children in a way that fosters an environment ripe for brain development and learning. We’ll walk you through what you should (and should not) be doing during play time with your child. Spoiler alert... It’s simpler than you may imagine.
Breaking it down further
Garry Landreth, a prominent researcher of play in early childhood, said, “Toys are used like words by children, and play is their language¹”. In a play environment, a child’s physical and emotional safety are not threatened. It’s an environment during which they can think through different scenarios. Play gives children the opportunity to prepare for events in the future and process events from the past, without any repercussions about how the story unfolds². Even Greek philosopher Plato recognized the importance of play, and highlighted how playing with a child gives you much more information about their world than a conversation ever would. Parents can connect with their children by using their children’s language, which is play. Enter into your child’s world of play. It not only helps your children, but adults benefit from play as well³.
Benefits of play
Play is fun, and that’s important. But play is so much more than just fun. It actually helps promote brain development in young children. Giving your child the gift of interactive and unstructured play time helps their social-emotional and executive functioning skills develop. Play stimulates nerve growth in the parts of the brain where emotions are processed (i.e., amygdala) and decisions are made (i.e., prefrontal cortex)⁴. In fact, increasing play with your young child (in the way we describe below) can actually help “problems” wash away without even having to specifically target them with an intervention. Your relationship and interaction with your child is quite powerful! If you really pay attention during their play, you will start to notice themes and storylines. This can give you a wealth of information about your child’s thoughts and feelings before they are able to really communicate them to you⁵.
Child-led play
For your child to get the maximum benefit from playtime with you, let the play be child led. This means your child gets to choose what to play and how to play. They may pick coloring as an activity. They can color however they want! They don’t have to color anything in particular, or use certain colors. They are in charge of their picture, and you are there to witness them coloring with delight. Or maybe they choose to race cars. Your child gets to decide which cars are racing, the route, how fast the cars go, and if there is a winner. If your child asks you a question about which direction the play should go (e.g., “Mom, which car wins the race?”), whisper to ask for a stage direction. “Which car do you want to win?”
We want the play to feel child-led as much as possible. Children really cherish this time because they are often not in charge. And that’s a good thing! A young child should not be in charge of when they go to bed, when they eat meals, or whether they need to wear shoes in the grocery store. But we want children to have the experience of choice and autonomy as much as it’s appropriate. Playtime with their parent is a great avenue for them to explore making decisions and building autonomy.
During play with your child, you want to respond rather than react. Leading researchers in the area provide a useful analogy. A parent should be a thermostat, and not a thermometer. We want parents to feel like a steady, predictable presence with their children⁶. Behind a brain that is ready to learn is a person who feels safe and secure in their surroundings and relationships. Focusing on responding with intention, rather than reacting out of emotion can facilitate the safety and security children need to flourish⁷.
What does it look like in practice?
The basic guiding principle of this type of play is that it should be child led. Playtime with mom or dad should be a big dose of delight! But what do you do? What do you say? What do you not do?
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Simply say what your child says. If your child says that the car is zooming fast, you say, “the car is zooming fast.” You repeat back what they say as a statement (not a question). This is a way to show that you are paying attention to what they are saying. Your tone should be genuine first and foremost. Warmth and enthusiasm makes it even better!
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Say what your child is doing. If your child is cooking their pretend food, you say, “You are putting the strawberry and grapes in the pot. Oh and now you are stirring them.” You don’t need to make inferences about what they may be cooking or who it may be for. Let them make all the decisions in their play. Just say what they are doing. This is another way to show you are paying attention to them. Think about your tone just like you do with your reflection statements.
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Your child may want to play in your presence, or may want to involve you in the play. There is no right or wrong answer, and your child gets to choose! If they don’t invite you to play with them, that’s okay. They will feel your presence and delight in your general demeanor and body language, as well as how you are talking to them (e.g., reflecting, narrating). If they invite you to play with them, join them in the way that they invited you.
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You don’t need to say much. Speak in short phrases or sentences. Sometimes adults fall into the trap of over-explaining, or even lecturing. Your child’s brain isn’t ready to take in that much information at a time. We also want play time to feel fun and like a time of exploration, not a time for didactic, explicit instruction.
What this kind of play does include
What this kind of play does not include
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Play time is child led. Your child gets to pick what happens. It’s okay for your child to play about something that would not be okay in reality (e.g., throwing the baby brother doll out of the stroller). You want to show your child that you can tolerate however they are playing. This sets the stage for them feeling like they can come to you about anything later in life.
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Children are asked questions all day long. We want to give them a break from questions during play time with their parent. Asking a question also puts some amount of pressure on the child to respond. To be completely child-led, you want to remove any sort of pressure to respond or change the course of the play based on your question. Even a simple, “What happens next?” means that there should be another event happening when maybe your child was done playing out that story.
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Play is not right or wrong. Play is not good or bad. Play is play! Your child can play however they want. Don’t fall into the trap of praising or celebrating certain types of play. This can be a subtle evaluation of how you want them to be playing.
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It can be so tempting to try and take every opportunity to teach your children valuable life lessons. We certainly want to encourage you to do that! But… not during play. It’s important that the play is child-led, and not centered around parents’ topic of choice.
The practical pieces
While you can “play” with your child from the moment they are born through touch, interaction, and emotional presence, you can start using this type of play with your child around age 2-3.
BE CONSISTENT
The most important thing is to be consistent with what frequency and duration of this special play time that you set with your child. Some research says 5 minutes every day is sufficient. Other research says 30 minutes once per week is acceptable. Whichever approach you choose, stick to it. You want your child to become familiar with the routine of when it happens and how long it happens. If you do 20 minutes one day and 5 minutes the next, your child may start to wonder what they did wrong on the second day to only get 5 minutes that day.
PLAY TIME IS UNCONDITIONAL
This type of play time that you introduce to your child cannot be taken away as a form of discipline. No matter what, they get this play time with a parent.
EASIEST WITH ONE PARENT AT A TIME
Because you will be talking in a specific way (e.g., reflecting, narrating), it often feels strange to do this type of play time with more than one adult. You may end up saying the same thing at the same time, or trying to figure out who will say what. To make things easier, we recommend sticking to one parent engaging in this type of play at a time. To involve both parents, you can rotate whose turn it is to play with your child in this way.
TIME OF DAY
Choose whenever it will be easiest and feasible for you to have this play time with your child. Some families choose to do it around bedtime if they are doing it daily and some families choose to do a weekend day if they are doing it once per week, but you can choose any time of day that makes sense for you.
IF YOU DON’T PARTICULARLY LOVE PLAY
If you find yourself feeling bored during play with your child, you are not alone. It’s likely much slower paced than your norm. To counteract feelings of boredom as much as you can, try some perspective taking strategies. Silently, ask yourself what your child may be thinking about or what they may be feeling. Keep in mind how much they are enjoying this time, and delight in their love of time with you!
What the research says
Children who have open-ended playtime consistently are more creative, have better language, are better at problem solving, are less stressed, have better social skills, and have a better memory⁹.
Children who used their imagination more often in play had better impulse control¹⁰.
Play time between a parent and child fosters a strong bond and strengthens their relationship¹¹.
What it might look like for you
Introducing play time to your child
Tell your child that you will be having a new, special play time with them! Let them know how often it will happen and who it will be with. We want your child to know what is coming, and be able to anticipate it with delight! It’s a Saturday morning, and Charlie and his mom are walking around the grocery store. Charlie seems content and enjoying his time with his mom. His mom tells him about the new type of play time she’ll be introducing. “Charlie, this afternoon we are going to start doing a new, special play time together. During this play time, you get to pick what you want to play with.” Charlie responds with a gleeful shriek and an affirmation that they can’t wait for it. She continues, “It may feel similar to how we usually play, or it may feel a little different. I love being your mom and am learning new ways to play with you. I’m really excited about it and think you’ll find it fun too!” Charlie asks if they can plan trains, and his mom says that they can play whatever Charlie chooses to play. They continue grocery shopping. Charlie’s mom remembers that shorter conversations are sometimes more helpful that giving lots of information at one time. On the car ride home, Charlie’s mom talks about it again. She says that Charlie could choose a special name for their play time if he wanted. Charlie says yes and titles it “Mommy Charlie Time.” Charlie’s mom says that she is looking forward to Mommy Charlie Time that afternoon.
Play time in action
Charlie’s mom has decided that she wants to do 30-minutes of play time with Charlie once per week as her consistent play time schedule. She knows that she can find herself scrolling on her phone without even realizing that she picked her phone up, so she sets a timer for 30-minutes and then sets it on the counter out of reach.
Charlie’s mom explains that Mommy Charlie Time has started, and leaves space for Charlie to choose what he wants to do. She’s tempted to ask him what he wants to play with, but remembers not to ask any questions (that’s going to be a hard thing to get used to!). Charlie stands there for a little, and then picks up a dog puppet. He makes barking noises. Charlie’s mom uses the Narrate skill and says, “You are making the dog bark.” Charlie doesn’t really acknowledge the comment, but continues to have the dog bark. Charlie’s mom considers putting pretend dog food out for the puppet to eat, but stops herself. This play time is child led.
Charlie gets to choose what happens next! Charlie then takes the dog puppet over to his train and has the dog ride on the train. He says, “Choo! Choo!” Charlie’s mom uses the Reflect skill and says “Choo! Choo!” Charlie smiles and does it again. His mom repeats it again, and they both giggle. Charlie then hands his mother the cat puppet and says that the cat is on the train car next to his dog’s. Charlie’s mom accepts his invitation to join the play and has the cat pretend to ride the train where Charlie told her to.
At one point, Charlie takes the train and rams it into his mom’s shin. His mom says, “I’m not for ramming a train into, you can ram the train into the basket.” Charlie stops playing and looks at his mom for a second. He then slowly rams his train into the basket and looks up at his mom. His mom uses the Narrate skill and says, “You rammed the train into the basket.” Charlie does this again and again.
Charlie’s mom gives him a couple minute warning before Mommy Charlie Time ends. When the alarm goes off, she explains that Mommy Charlie Time is over for that day. She expresses how much she enjoyed the time with him, and how much she is looking forward to doing it again next time.
About the author
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Dr. Margaret Vadiee is a Licensed Psychologist and a former Adjunct Clinical Assistant Professor at Southern Methodist University in the Psychology Department.
Nutritionists
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Nutritionists • Adult mental health • Couples mental health • Infant & child mental health • Sleep coaching •
When to get
expert support
If you think you need expert support, this is a great reason to pop into office hours. Sometimes you might need more support, and that's okay!
You notice your child repeatedly plays out stories of traumatic events. A mental health professional can help you navigate whether further intervention may be helpful or necessary.
You feel burnt out and like you don’t have the capacity to add this type of play to your routine.
You find it really challenging to not ask questions and not tell your child what to do.
Have a question for your coach?
Schedule time during their weekly office hours! We know not all questions come up on a schedule, which is why your coach is also available outside of the sessions included in your Learning Program.
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Landreth, G. (2002). Play therapy: The art of the relationship. New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.
Brown, S. L. (2009). Play: How it shapes the brain, opens the imagination, and invigorates the soul. Penguin.
Mellenthin, C. (2018). Play therapy: Engaging & powerful techniques for the treatment of childhood disorders. PESI, Inc.
Panksepp, J. (2008). Play, ADHD, and the Construction of the Social Brain: Should the First Class Each Day Be Recess?. American Journal of Play, 1 (1), 55-79.
Bratton, S. C., & Landreth, G. L. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge.
Bratton, S. C., & Landreth, G. L. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge.
Medina, J. (2014). Brain rules for baby, Updated and expanded: How to raise a smart and happy child from zero to five. Pear Press.
Bratton, S. C., & Landreth, G. L. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge.
Medina, J. (2014). Brain rules for baby, Updated and expanded: How to raise a smart and happy child from zero to five. Pear Press.
Medina, J. (2014). Brain rules for baby, Updated and expanded: How to raise a smart and happy child from zero to five. Pear Press.
Ginsburg, K. R., & Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health. (2007). The importance of play in promoting healthy child development and maintaining strong parent-child bonds. Pediatrics, 119(1), 182-191.