Tantrums and Discipline
Intuitive Discipline
Learning and Limit-Setting the Intuitive Way
20 MINUTE READ
Published July 2024
AUTHORS
Katie Sardone, PhD PMH-C
Head of Clinical, Licensed Psychologist & Perinatal Mental Health Specialist
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Contributing Editor, Licensed Psychologist
Imagine if you were able to develop a family culture that demonstrated acceptance and curiosity in the face of a child’s mistake. Imagine if your child felt the freedom to make a mistake and then turn to you for comfort, guidance, and direction. Imagine if there was a way for you and your child to experience and regulate emotions in a helpful manner and then quickly transition to problem solving and resolution (skipping the parent-child whole melt-down power-struggle thing all together). When you understand the science behind learning and behavior change, the strategies to foster this culture become Intuitive.
Disconnect vs. Connected Brain Example
Disconnected: Thinking from your hindbrain
Parent Sally is working from home and trying to parent at the same time after the nanny called in sick. She is stressed and the multitasking isn’t working. When son Kyle accidentally unplugs her computer, Sally screams, “What are you doing?! Why can’t you just sit quietly??” Kyle starts crying and runs to his room.
Connected: Thinking from Your Frontal Lobe
Parent Sally is working from home and trying to parent at the same time after the nanny called in sick. She is stressed and the multitasking isn’t working. She remembers her PEACE skills and the importance of her own regulation and mindset (Power of Presence) in order to tackle her tasks today. When son Kyle accidentally unplugs her computer, Sally took a deep breath and reminded herself that her son did not intend for this mistake to occur and his day isn’t going exactly how he’d like either (Empathy). These steps allowed space for her to stay calm and keep her brain connected resulting in her ability to respond in a helpful manner, “Kyle I know today isn’t going the way either of us had hoped or planned, but we can work together and still have a nice day. Please be more careful while you’re playing.”
The intuitive transition from punishment to teaching
Parenting is sweet and fun when everything is going just right but when things take a turn it can feel overwhelming and hopeless. Part of what can feel so discouraging is not understanding how exactly to discipline in a way that actually helps. In this primer we are going to break down how children actually do learn, grow and change and how parents can teach in a way that promotes in the moment and long-term change.
There are two important principles to understand when thinking about learning and behavior change:
The person has to be in the right mindset for learning to occur and
Someone has to want to change.
We will walk you through some fundamental steps that foster an authentic desire in children to change and how you can set them up for success to really understand and implement those changes.
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Mindset for learning: Learning can only take place when the brain is fully connected and regulated (aka, when a person is calm!). When a person is calm, all the parts of their brain are in communication with one another and functioning smoothly. When a person becomes distressed their frontal lobe (the area responsible for inhibition, regulation, planning, organization, higher level reasoning, critical thinking and problem solving) becomes disconnected from their hindbrain (the area responsible for life giving and life preserving instincts, the “fight or flight” response center) (citation!!). The result of this disconnection is digging in your heels, defending, attacking and a focus on self-preservation.
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Behavior change for both children and adults happens when there is insight and internal motivation for the change (we don’t usually change just because we are afraid of getting in trouble!) We also don’t change because someone else has followed a certain script, persuaded, or threatened us to do something differently. We actually have to want to change. Motivational Interviewing research outlines that behavior change happens when a person understands that there is a “desire, ability, reason, or a need to change (Miller & Rollnik, 2012). Trying to convince or threaten children is not usually effective because it is not promoting an internal motivation that would be external motivation (i.e., an effort to avoid punishment).
Breaking it down further
Okay so how exactly do we help our children develop this internal motivation and begin to think with their connected brains? This can be one of the most challenging jobs as a parent, but knowing what to do doesn’t have to be a mystery. Check out the steps below to set you and your child up for success!
Steps 1 and 2 below help keep both you and your child in the right mindset for learning (Alert, these skills may sound familiar to Intuitive Parenting PEACE skills!). Steps 3 and 4 offer your child an opportunity to understand their choices and develop an authentic desire for change. The beauty of these steps is that once you read them you’ll find it’s not rocket science and that it all makes sense. You may find that these intuitive skills become the norm in your house faster than you thought possible.
Mindset for Learning
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The solution starts with you. It’s a focus on YOU, not your child. How you show up, your presence, is so important in these moments. Your goal is to stay grounded and maintain a stable, warm and firm stance during your child’s distress. Your body language, verbals and nonverbals set the tone of the situation and literally tell your child if they should be relaxed and thinking with their connected brain or if they need to brace for an attack and think from their disconnected brain. If you do this, you’ve already succeeded! Demonstrating acceptance and patience allows for a child to begin to regulate their emotions and lead recovery.
Strategies to maintain your connected brain and keep your cool :
Take deep breaths
Remind yourself:
This is developmentally expected! “My two-year-old is acting like a two-year-old.”
This will pass - and it will pass more quickly if you stay grounded and connected vs. escalating and disconnecting from the child
Think of the situation from their perspective (understand and empathize)
What it’s not
A focus on the child or the behavior at hand. Immediate attempts to stop the behavior take away your child’s opportunity to learn how to tolerate these hard emotions, work through them and problem solve for the future. This includes: reasoning, distraction, pretending it didn’t happen, yelling or threatening for the behavior to stop, laughing or trying to make a joke out of it, and minimizing or invalidating their experience.
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Once you are regulated and thinking from a connected brain, you’re able to help your child think from a connected brain as well.
Strategies to help your child think from a connected brain
Time and Space
Allow your child time and space for regulation and coping to occur in an unpressured environment. So often, by accident, parents demand for their child to change their behavior, attitude or emotion immediately. It takes time.
Reflection
Reflecting, which is putting into words what is going on, can help a child organize their thoughts and make sense of what is going on (e.g., Mary you were right in the middle of that fun game when your uncle arrived, and we needed to stop to greet him).
Label the Emotion:
Help the child connect the emotion word to their physical and emotional experience to gain a sense of understanding and control over what is happening (e.g., “Shawn, it was so disappointing when your team lost the game!”).
Desire to Change
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Now, you and your child are able to hear each other (i.e., are thinking logically with connected brains and are ready to problem solve). It’s time to set the limit. Go through the steps below with a neutral, but firm tone of voice. The way you communicate is more important than the words you say. Pro tip: If you say it all “right” but you’re gritting your teeth and have a threatening body language or facial expression, all the “good” is lost and it’s not going to help.
The Steps
Differentiate feelings from behaviors, and validate the feeling.
EXAMPLE: It’s okay to feel frustrated (feeling); it’s not okay to kick your sister (behavior).
Identify the specific problem behavior and communicate the limit, or expectation.
EXAMPLE: The walls aren’t for drawing on. You can draw on the paper in your journal, but walls are not for drawing on.
Introduce a potential consequence for repeat behavior. Choose a consequence carefully. There should be no surprises for the child. We are not trying to trick them. They should be fully informed of the outcomes of their choices.
EXAMPLE: If you choose to draw on the walls again, you choose for me to remove the markers from your desk and you’ll need to ask for them when you need them.
A note on age-appropriate limit setting
Start limit setting after 12 months. Positive reinforcement, on the other hand, can be implemented from birth.
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If the limit has been set, the potential consequence has been clearly communicated, and the child knowingly chooses the off-limits behavior, then it’s time to follow through with the proposed consequence. Stay in your connected brain headspace. Use an empathic and neutral tone. No need to shame, be stern, or be harsh - that actually detracts here and can kick in that defense-attack disconnected brain approach! Focus on your child’s opportunity to make their own choices. Autonomy and independence are very motivating for young children. Remind them that this consequence isn’t forever. They can try again to make a different choice the next day or the next natural opportunity.
So what are my choices?
When it comes to giving consequences, certain strategies are more helpful than others:
Natural Consequences
By far the most helpful and first choice when dealing with consequences. These are logical outcomes for the decisions they are making. See our Breakout for more examples here (link to subcategory).
EXAMPLE: “Oh no Billy! You chose to draw on the walls with marker again. You’ve chosen for me to move the markers off of your desk. Tomorrow you can try again.”
Withdrawal of privileges
This is just like it sounds, removing an activity or privilege. See our Breakout for more on this (link to subcategory).
EXAMPLE: if a 4-year-old gets to watch one episode of Bluey per day, could remove screen-time privilege that day – again always with fair warning and an opportunity to make a more helpful choice
Time out
Time out has had a variety of transformations over the years from harsh and critical styles, to time-ins, calm down chairs and other takes on this strategy. While this may not be our first line recommendation, there is a time and place for this tool if implemented correctly. See our breakout for more (link to subcategory).
Positive Reinforcement
This might be a good time to look back to our PEACE strategies in Intuitive Parenting. The use of these skills actually does foster improved behavior, along with better parent-child connection. There are other ways to specifically implement positive reinforcement to target specific behaviors, see our breakout for more (link to subcategory).
If you are implementing other consequences not listed here, we encourage you to check out our “tools to retire” primer to give some guidance on strategies that are no longer considered appropriate or useful and how to transition away from these. It’s never too late to make a change!
What the research says
It's hard to parent the way you want to when you haven't taken care of yourself, and there are negative implications on children's wellbeing (Chau & Giallo, 2015)
Children of parents who use consistent limit setting have better self-concepts and better social skills (Houck & LeCuyer-Maus, 2002)
How a parent expresses emotion and responds to their child's emotion impacts their children's development of emotion regulation skills (Hajal & Paley, 2020)
Putting it into practice
BABY STAGE (0 TO 1 YEAR)
There is no limit setting under 12 months. Check out the PEACE skills (link) instead!
TODDLER (1 TO 3 YEARS)
SITUATION
Jose was really hungry. He saw his dinner plate on the edge of the counter and decided he wanted to be a great helper by taking it to the dinner table for his mom. Her back was turned as she went to get utensils for everyone. She heard a thud, and turned around to see that Jose had dropped his entire plate of spaghetti on the floor.
STEPS
Parent First. You wonder if you are out of stain-removing spray and feel a quick jolt of irritation. You realize that thought and feeling aren’t helping you in this situation. You take a deep breath, and remind yourself Jose was probably just trying to help.
Child Second. Jose is really disappointed. He wasn’t able to help like he wanted, and his dinner is all over the floor. You allow time and space for his disappointment, and help him put words to it. “Oh man! That’s so disappointing. And I know how hungry you were.”
Set the Limit. Mom carries everyone’s plate to the table when they have food on them. You can carry the plate to the sink at the end of the meal when the food is eaten.
Follow Through. This was an accident - no need to punish. You choose to use positive reinforcement. You want to encourage Jose to be a helper. You praise him when he offers to help, and you praise him when he asks if it’s okay for him to help.
YOUNG CHILD (4 TO 5 YEARS)
SITUATION
The birthday party is wrapping up and it’s time to leave. Jen has had a blast and she doesn't want it to end. The venue has indicated to the parents that it’s time to go, and you feel a sense of immediacy to get Jen out of the venue and into your car.
STEPS
Parent First. You remind yourself that these situations are normal and you know that it’ll be easier if you stay calm.
Child Second. Reflect and empathize with Jen’s experience. “Jen, I see that you do not want to leave the party. You’ve had so much fun with all your friends.”
Set the Limit. Let Jen know that y’all are going to leave. You can offer her 2 choices. “It is time to go. You can choose to walk with me to the car while holding my hand or I can pick you up, which do you choose?”
Jen really doesn’t want to leave the party and just says, “No!” You can do a quick summary of empathizing and setting the limit, and let her know what happens if she does not make a choice: “Goodness it’s just so hard to leave. Jen it is time to go. This is your last chance to choose, you can choose to walk to the car holding my hand or I can pick you up. If you do not choose, I will choose for you.”
Follow Through. Most children will ultimately make a choice. If not, you can scoop up poor Jen and walk her to the car. Once she is calm and regulated you all can talk through what happened and how she’ll have another chance to choose for herself next time.
About the authors
Katie Sardone, PhD, PMH-C
Dr. Katie Sardone is a Licensed Psychologist and the founder of Behavioral Health Dallas, PLLC.
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Dr. Margaret Vadiee is a Licensed Psychologist and a former Adjunct Clinical Assistant Professor at Southern Methodist University in the Psychology Department.
Nutritionists
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Adult mental health
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Couples mental health
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Infant & child mental health
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Sleep coaching
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Nutritionists • Adult mental health • Couples mental health • Infant & child mental health • Sleep coaching •
When to get
expert support
Sometimes you might need more support, and that's okay! Here are times you may consider reaching out to a specialist:
If your child’s behavior continues to escalate and become more dysregulated over time.
If your child is not responding well to the strategies you’re currently using to teach.
If you have an instinct that the strategies you are using are not helpful or you’re feeling discouraged.
If you just want to better understand learning opportunities for you and your family that are developmentally appropriate and effective!
You find yourself caught in a cycle of using Time Out, even though it’s not really working and is not the best choice for your child.
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Chau, V., & Giallo, R. (2015). The relationship between parental fatigue, parenting self‐efficacy and behaviour: Implications for supporting parents in the early parenting period. Child: care, health and development, 41(4), 626-633.
Hajal, N. J., & Paley, B. (2020). Parental emotion and emotion regulation: A critical target of study for research and intervention to promote child emotion socialization. Developmental Psychology, 56(3), 403–417.
Houck, G. M., & LeCuyer-Maus, E. A. (2002). Maternal limit-setting patterns and toddler development of self-concept and social competence. Issues in Comprehensive Pediatric Nursing, 25(1), 21-41.
Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2012). Motivational interviewing: Helping people change. Guilford press.