Tantrums and Discipline
Out of Bounds Parenting
20 MINUTE READ
Published July 2024
AUTHORS
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Contributing Editor, Licensed Psychologist
Katie Sardone, PhD PMH-C
Head of Clinical, Licensed Psychologist & Perinatal Mental Health Specialist
Shaming, threatening, spanking. Game over. We’ll walk you through why these tactics (and more!) are what we call Out of Bounds Parenting strategies. Researchers say that there is never a time or place for these, and we want you to understand what these techniques are and why it’s in your and your child’s best interest to avoid them.
Never too late to make a change
Out of Bounds Parenting focuses on exactly what it is that we want to avoid. That can feel a little heavy, and may be hard to read. We all have bad days and off moments. Often, parents don’t even realize these tactics are harmful. They are just doing what was done to them, and maybe didn’t realize there was a different way. Ultimately, we want to shift your focus from any guilt that may be sticking around from using these Out of Bounds strategies and refocus on making a change (see Intuitive Parenting and Intuitive Discipline). But for now, we’ll dive into the details about what Out of Bounds Parenting is and why it’s unhelpful… and actually harmful.
Breaking it down further
The whole point of discipline is to change your child’s behavior, and change how they make decisions in the future. It makes sense then that the word “discipline” means “to teach!” The best disciplinary strategies are actually just parenting strategies that encourage your child to be motivated to make more helpful decisions that are consistent with your family’s values. Self-Determination Theory is a theory that explains the conditions in which people are most motivated to make helpful decisions (Ryan & Deci, 2017). The theory posits that a person with a sense of autonomy, competency, and relatedness is internally motivated. In order to encourage your children to be internally motivated, parents can help facilitate these 3 conditions (see Intuitive Parenting primer). The Out of Bounds Parenting strategies are approaches that do not promote autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Out of Bounds Parenting seeks to gain control and create emotional (and sometimes physical) separation (Soenens & Vansteenkiste, 2010).
Out of Bounds Parenting encompasses two primary areas: harmful verbal language and harmful physical actions. We’re breaking down what type of verbal language is actually harmful and why spanking is a tool to retire for good.
Harsh Verbal Discipline
It can feel confusing to know what exactly you should or shouldn’t say to your child, especially if Out of Bounds Parenting strategies were modeled for you or you haven’t had a chance to stop and think about how you talk to your child. Boiling it all down, harsh verbal discipline consists of 3 aspects of verbal language: content (i.e., the words you say), tone (i.e., the way you say it), and volume (i.e., how loud your voice is). Only one of the three components has to be negative (or too loud) for it to be considered harsh verbal discipline. Let’s look at different types of harsh verbal discipline listed.
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What it is: Sending the message to your children that they are responsible for something that they are not actually responsible for (e.g., their parent’s feelings)
Why it’s a problem: Blaming creates a sense of confusion for children. It can make them feel like they can or should be able to control things that are actually out of their control (Barker & Graham, 1987).
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What it is: Intentionally inciting fear in your child in an effort to get them to listen to you.
Why it’s a problem: When a child’s brain experiences fear, it is not able to learn. If they do learn something from the scare tactic, it’s that they should feel fear but not really understand the message behind the fear (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).
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What it is: Humiliating or causing emotional distress to your child for a decision they made.
Why it’s a problem: Shaming a child can make them feel like they are bad, rather than identifying their choice as unhelpful. It can impact a child’s identity and self-esteem for the worse (Levit et al, 2020)
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What it is: Telling your child what may happen if they make a certain choice. The tone (and sometimes content) is what differentiates a threat from an appropriately given warning).
Why it’s a problem: It entices the child to comply in fear of a potential undesired outcome happening, rather than developing internal motivation for the child to autonomously make a helpful decision. A long-standing pattern of threat can make a child only listen in the presence of a threat as opposed to weighing choices and demonstrating self-regulation (Weinstein, Zougkou, & Paulmann, 2018).
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What it is: Making up a reason or explanation for something that is not true
Why it’s a problem: The problem with tricking children is that it teaches them that they should not always trust their parents. We want to cultivate a relationship with our children in which they don’t have to second guess whether their parents are being honest with them (Vanderbilt, Liu, & Heyman, 2011).
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What it is: Your voice’s volume is raised and the content of what you are saying is negative about the characteristics of your child. Note that this does not include yelling “stop” before your child is about to be in a dangerous situation (like touching the stovetop).
Why it’s a problem: It doesn’t feel good to be yelled at. Depending on the circumstances, it can make your child feel scared, sad, or ashamed. These negative feelings result in thinking and acting from a place of fear in order to avoid harm/punishment as opposed to problem solving and making autonomous choices (Levitt et al, 2020)
Spanking
What’s in a name?
Researchers have described spanking (or any type of physical punishment that involves the action of hitting) as “non-injurious, open-handed hitting with the intention of modifying child behavior” or “hitting a child on their buttocks or extremities using an open hand” (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016). This includes anything from a slap on the hand to a wooden spoon on a child’s bottom. Interestingly, research has found that by calling these actions “spanking,” facets of society may have normalized it or deemed it acceptable. However, if the word “spanking” was replaced with “swatting, hitting, slapping, or beating,” parents no longer considered these actions appropriate (Brown, Holden, & Ashraf, 2018).
Harmful effects of spanking
Spanking has been studied for decades. In the last decade, researchers have focused on synthesizing all the information out there to make broader conclusions about the impact of spanking. Spanking is connected with many different negative outcomes for children: low self-esteem, impaired cognitive ability, and a more negative parent-child relationship. Furthermore, spanking has consistently been associated with child mental health problems: anxiety, depression, and aggression (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016; Stormshak et al, 2000). It is well-established that spanking is harmful for the child in the short- and long-term.
But I was spanked and I turned out fine.
Let me be the first to say that this is not about judging ourselves as parents or judging our parents! As an expert who has worked with countless families from all walks of life, I can honestly say that I believe parents are doing the absolute best they can with the information and resources they have. The intention is not to dwell on past mistakes, but to help us make better decisions in the future.
It’s possible that you being spanked as a child didn’t really impact you. It’s also possible that you were impacted by spanking in ways that aren’t quite clear. Either way, spanking increases the risk for children to develop the undesirable outcomes mentioned above just like smoking cigarettes increases someone’s risk of developing lung cancer. Not everyone who smokes cigarettes develops lung cancer, but the general consensus is that smoking cigarettes is not worth the risk to our health. Not everyone who is spanked will have low self-esteem, mental health problems, or a suffering relationship with their parent, but enough data is there to show us that it’s not worth the risk!
I understand that spanking is harmful, but I have to know… does it work?
No! Research tells us spanking doesn’t actually work. One study found that after children were spanked, they repeated the same behavior that they were initially spanked for within 10 minutes on average (Holden, Williamson, & Holland, 2014). Even if spanking was not harmful (and it is!), we still wouldn’t recommend a strategy that only works for 10 minutes. The Intuitive Discipline guide is full of more effective methods for shaping children’s behavior.
What the research says
The way you talk to your child becomes their internal voice. Consistently using harsh verbal discipline can impact your child’s perception of their self-worth and send a message that people they love may physically and or verbally harm them.
Parenting techniques that focus on controlling children are associated with higher rates of depression and anxiety (Levit et al, 2020; Soenens & Vansteenkiste, 2010).
We all want to set our children up for success! One way to do that is to avoid factors within your control that can contribute to increased risk of negative outcomes. Spanking has repeatedly been connected with mental health problems, challenges in the parent-child relationship, and low self-esteem (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016).
Other forms of shaping your child’s behavior are much more effective in the long-run than spanking. Remember, children who were spanked tend to repeat the same behavior within 10 minutes (Holden, Williamson, & Holland, 2014).
Out of Bounds Parenting Examples and Alternatives
Boy, this is hard to read! But to be sure it all makes sense, let’s go through examples of what these Out of Bounds Parenting practices look like. For information on what to do instead, see the Intuitive Parenting and Intuitive Discipline.
Blame
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Your child has now asked the same question 10 times in a row. You are trying to finish up a project for work and are running up against your deadline. Your initial irritation has grown into frustration. You find yourself saying, “You are the reason I can’t get that promotion.”
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Instead, say, “I see that you are focused on hula hooping and would really like my attention right now. Unfortunately I have to focus on work, but I'll be done in 1 hour and then we can hula hoop together.”
Scare Tactics
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Your child has been getting out of bed several times after you say the final goodnight. You are trying to think of a way to have them stay in their bed, and decide to tell them that the boogeyman visits children during the night if they get out of their beds.
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Educate and reassure with age appropriate facts (e.g., When you get out of bed so many times at night it makes both of us very very tired in the morning. If you choose to get out of bed only 1 time tonight, then tomorrow you get to pick out new books at the library.)
Shame
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The toilet is clogged. Your child tried to flush some of their fish pool toys down the drain so they could go swim in the ocean. You look at your child and say, “How could you be so dumb?”
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Narrate what happened, let the limit, and help them think of a better solution for next time: “You were playing with the toilet, but this caused a big problem. The toilet is not for playing with. What can you use instead next time you want to pretend the fish are in an ocean? (guide them toward the sink, a cup, or a bowl)”
Threaten
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You are feeling a sense of pressure to not be late to school drop off. Your child seems to be moving slower and slower by the minute. You say, “If you aren’t in this car in the next minute, you’ll spend the entire evening in your bedroom.”
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Be playful! Say, “Right now, you are moving sloooow like a turtle. Let’s see if we can move fast like a cheetah!”
Trick
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You really really want that perfect family photo but your child isn't feeling it. To get them to look up and smile you say "Look, there is Mickey Mouse!!" Your child looks up with wonder and excitement, but is quickly disappointed and confused when Micky isn't there to greet her.
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You say to your child, “I know it's a tough time right now, would you like to take a family photo in this fun place now or try again in a few minutes?”
Yell
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Your child is practicing taking their shoes off, but still needs help getting them on. They ask you to get their shoes on, and they immediately take them off. They then ask you to put their shoes back on, and again practice taking them off. They call to you for a third time in the last 10 minutes to put their shoes back on, and you yell, “EITHER KEEP THEM OFF OR ON. STOP ASKING ME FOR HELP!”
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Say, “You are getting really good at learning how to take your shoes off. I can help you put them back on right now, and then I have to fold some clothes so I won’t be able to do it again for a little while. Ready for the last time?”
Spank
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Your 4-year-old saw a character on a TV show say “La la la! Not listening!” They’ve decided to imitate that and they’ve said it a couple times while you were trying to talk to them. You feel lost and don’t know how to get them to listen to you. You decide to “show them it’s serious” and use your hand to hit them once on their bottom.
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See their perspective and set appropriate expectations. “I know you think it’s silly to say that to me because you thought it was silly when you saw it on TV. In our family, it’s important to treat others with respect. We don't make silly comments when someone is talking to us.
About the authors
Katie Sardone, PhD, PMH-C
Dr. Katie Sardone is a Licensed Psychologist and the founder of Behavioral Health Dallas, PLLC.
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Dr. Margaret Vadiee is a Licensed Psychologist and a former Adjunct Clinical Assistant Professor at Southern Methodist University in the Psychology Department.
Nutritionists
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Adult mental health
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Couples mental health
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Infant & child mental health
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Sleep coaching
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Nutritionists • Adult mental health • Couples mental health • Infant & child mental health • Sleep coaching •
When to get
expert support
Sometimes you might need more support, and that's okay! Here are times you may consider reaching out to a specialist:
You’ve been using Out of Bounds Parenting practices and are ready for a change!
You’ve been trying to stop using Out of Bounds Parenting practices, but find yourself falling into the same patterns over and over again.
You are looking for guidance on how to talk with your partner or child care provider about straying away from Out of Bounds Parenting practices.
You find yourself caught in a cycle of using Time Out, even though it’s not really working and is not the best choice for your child.
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Barker, G. P., & Graham, S. (1987). Developmental study of praise and blame as attributional cues. Journal of educational psychology, 79(1), 62.
Brown, A. S., Holden, G. W., & Ashraf, R. (2018). Spank, slap, or hit? How labels alter perceptions of child discipline. Psychology of violence, 8(1), 1.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. Delacorte Press.
Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of family psychology, 30(4), 453.
Holden, G. W., Williamson, P. A., & Holland, G. W. (2014). Eavesdropping on the family: a pilot investigation of corporal punishment in the home. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(3), 401.
Levitt, M. R., Grolnick, W. S., Caruso, A. J., & Lerner, R. E. (2020). Internally and externally controlling parenting: Relations with children’s symptomatology and adjustment. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 29, 3044-3058.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-determination theory: Basic psychological needs in motivation, development, and wellness. New York: Guilford Publishing.
Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2010). A theoretical upgrade of the concept of parental psychological control: Proposing new insights on the basis of self-determination theory. Developmental review, 30(1), 74-99.
Stormshak, E. A., Bierman, K. L., McMahon, R. J., & Lengua, L. J. (2000). Parenting practices and child disruptive behavior problems in early elementary school. Journal of clinical child psychology, 29(1), 17-29.
Vanderbilt, K. E., Liu, D., & Heyman, G. D. (2011). The development of distrust. Child development, 82(5), 1372-1380.