Tantrums and Discipline
Ruptures and Repairs
All is not lost
20 MINUTE READ
Published September 2024
AUTHOR
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Contributing Editor, Licensed Psychologist
There’s so much pressure these days. It feels like the expectation is to be a perfect parent who balances everything beautifully with no hiccups and certainly no outbursts. But let’s be real… that’s living in the land of fairies and unicorns. There is no such thing as perfect parenting, and we’ll tell you why that’s actually a good thing.
Strengthening your relationship
It can be hard to acknowledge and think about the moments in parenting when we wished we made a different decision. You may think it feels easier to avoid those times and pretend they never happened. But it's a helpful and powerful experience to address it head-on with your child, and can bring about social-emotional growth and development for your child. We’ll explain why we don’t actually want you to be the perfect parent, and give you a how-to guide for the tough conversations with your child.
Breaking it down further
Perfect parenting is not the goal, and not just because it’s not attainable. If there were such a thing as perfect parenting, it would set your child up for unhelpful expectations about how the world and themselves work. If you were perfect, your child may start to think that they too should be perfect. Then when they made a mistake or felt the normal human emotions of fear, grief, or guilt, they’d really think something was wrong with them. We want our children to understand that it’s normal and expected to err. There will be ruptures in your relationship with your child… times when you don’t see eye to eye and times you wish you could erase. Ruptures happen! It’s all part of it.
What matters is how you repair, or how you address what happened with your child. When you repair, you model healthy relationship skills. Repair moments actually can bolster your relationship with your child in a way that makes it even stronger than before the rupture. What a gift! Parents have the opportunity to model taking responsibility for their error and showing vulnerability in the relationship. When parents model these skills, they are setting the tone that it’s okay (and encouraged!) for their children to take responsibility and be vulnerable. As your children develop the skills to be vulnerable, they’ll be better able to reflect on their own experiences and engage in helpful perspective taking.
Whether it’s with you, a friend, or a partner down the road, your child will experience more ruptures in different relationships. We want children to begin learning conflict resolution skills early by having their parents model how to address challenges.
How do I repair?
Find a time when both you and your child are feeling relatively calm. This is important because both your and your child’s brain will be in a state where they can talk and listen to each other. Both of your prefrontal cortexes (the part of your brain that helps you reason, consider perspectives, and plan for the future) will be able to be engaged (as best they can based on development!).
It’s not enough to just say these words. What really matters is how you communicate and connect with your child during this conversation. We want it to feel genuine. If you go through these steps quickly while you are faced toward the counter chopping vegetables, it won’t really provide much repair. Show your child that you are taking it seriously and care by slowing down to connect with them. Use whatever nonverbals help you connect with your child - you know your child best! Maybe you get on their level. Hold their hand, rub their arm, or even set them in your lap. Look them in the eyes while you are talking to them. Let them feel how important repairing your relationship is.
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State what happened and that it was wrong in a matter-of-fact manner. Be brief, but be specific. You want to identify what exactly you did wrong, rather than a vague statement about making a mistake. But, you don’t need to go into lots of detail (no need to lecture or make it feel like one).
For example, “Earlier, I yelled, ‘why do you never have your shoes on?’ when you were standing in front of me with your shoes on. I should not have yelled at you.”
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Say how you felt. When you say how you felt, you are doing so to normalize the process of experiencing and talking about tough emotions. We don’t want to make our children think that they are responsible for our feelings, or that they have the power to change how we feel. One way to avoid this is to say, “I felt X,” rather than, “You made me feel X.” You can also let your child witness you use helpful coping strategies. Children are sponges, and will notice when you consistently model healthy coping.
Take a guess at how your child felt. Let them know that you understand that they may be hurt from what you did. It’s okay if you guess the wrong feeling. You may guess that your child was sad, and they may correct you by saying they were actually mad. The goal here is to bring awareness to their emotional experience and show that you care about their feelings.
For example, you say, “I felt overwhelmed. Afterwards, I took a break and then felt less overwhelmed and more relaxed. You may have felt confused or scared.”
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Say what decision you hope to make in the future. Don’t promise that you’ll never make that same decision you made again. Let them know you’ll try your best (and do try!), but at some point in the future you’ll be having a repair conversation again. We don’t want to promise something that we can’t fulfill.
For example, “Next time, I’m going to practice not yelling and looking to see if your shoes are on before reminding you to put them on.”
The aftermath
Find a time when both you and your child are feeling relatively calm. This is important because both your and your child’s brain will be in a state where they can talk and listen to each other. Both of your prefrontal cortexes (the part of your brain that helps you reason, consider perspectives, and plan for the future) will be able to be engaged (as best they can based on development!).
It’s not enough to just say these words. What really matters is how you communicate and connect with your child during this conversation. We want it to feel genuine. If you go through these steps quickly while you are faced toward the counter chopping vegetables, it won’t really provide much repair. Show your child that you are taking it seriously and care by slowing down to connect with them. Use whatever nonverbals help you connect with your child - you know your child best! Maybe you get on their level. Hold their hand, rub their arm, or even set them in your lap. Look them in the eyes while you are talking to them. Let them feel how important repairing your relationship is.
What the research says
When mothers don’t attempt to repair their relationship with their infant, the infant tends to withdraw¹.
When a parent repaired their relationship with their young child, the young child showed more emotion regulation and fewer behavioral concerns in preschool months later².
Consistently focusing on repairing your relationship with your young child increases the likelihood that they’ll develop helpful coping strategies and have more confidence in the face of stressors³.
What it might look like for you
Yelling
You’ve been working on giving your child more responsibility. You’ve tried to prepare them well by talking about it and giving lots of reminders. Your first focus is having them remember to bring their water bottle when you go places. You are at their soccer game, and they ask for their water. You realize they didn’t bring it, and you didn’t bring it because you thought they would. The sun is beating down on you, and you realize it’s a scorching hot day and your child doesn’t have their water bottle. You yell, “You forgot your water! How could you? This was your job!”
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That evening at bedtime, you say, “I yelled at you at the soccer game. Everyone makes mistakes, and I shouldn’t have yelled at you for making a mistake.”
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You feel like a horrible parent for not double checking to make sure your child remembered their water bottle, and you feel frustrated that they forgot. They’ve remembered all the other times when it didn’t matter as much that they had it. You say, “I felt like I let you down and it didn’t feel good.” You guess that your child feels embarrassed and small for having their parent yell at them, especially within earshot of their friends.
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You are lying next to your child and scratching their back. You say, “I’m going to work hard to not yell at you. It doesn’t matter what you do, you don’t ever deserve to be yelled at by me.”
Distracted and checked out
You have an open Saturday morning for once, and want to lean into time with your child. You find yourself in the same room, but completely unaware of your child’s presence because you get distracted by your phone. They may be occasionally telling you things, and you may be giving basic responses. But you aren’t really even sure because you are so focused on your phone. Eventually, your child walks up and snatches your phone from your hand.
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That snapped you back to reality, and it only took you a few minutes to calm down and get re-focused on your intention for your time with your child. They seem relatively calm also. You say, “I’m sorry. I told you we’d be playing together, and I was focused on my phone. I wasn’t doing what I said I’d be doing.”
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You lightly rub your child’s hand as you say, “I felt distracted, and you probably felt disappointed and annoyed that I wasn’t focused on our time together.”
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“I’m going to try and not let that happen again. During our play time, I’ll leave my phone in the other room.” You give your child a genuine soft smile and a big hug.
Missed an event
It’s tough trying to do it all! You have every second of your day scheduled to be the best friend, employee, partner, and parent that you can be. With that type of calendar, you drop some balls sometimes. Today’s dropping ball was missing the parents’ event at your child’s school. It’s been on your calendar, but you were so in the zone that you hadn’t consulted your calendar that day like usual.
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You are overwhelmed with guilt for missing the event. On your drive home, you let out some tears and are in disbelief. You circle the block a few times to gather yourself. When you walk in, your child is glaring at you. Then the tears start, and you both end up crying. Toward the end of the tears, you are both feeling better. You say, “I’m so sorry I missed the school event. I really wanted to be there, but missed it.”
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You’re holding each other close as you tell your child how disappointed you felt for missing it and how sorry you feel for not being there for your child. You guess that your child may feel upset with you for missing it. You allow your child to have that response, and not have them push down their feelings to make you feel better.
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You say, “I’m going to do my best to not miss any more events. I sometimes need help remembering things, even things that are important to me! I’m going to put these orange sticky notes in my purse. Whenever there’s something special I need to remember, I’m going to put the orange sticky note on my desk so I see it.”
About the author
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Dr. Margaret Vadiee is a Licensed Psychologist and a former Adjunct Clinical Assistant Professor at Southern Methodist University in the Psychology Department.
Nutritionists
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Adult mental health
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Couples mental health
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Infant & child mental health
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Sleep coaching
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Nutritionists • Adult mental health • Couples mental health • Infant & child mental health • Sleep coaching •
When to get
expert support
Sometimes you might need more support, and that's okay! Here are times you may consider reaching out to a specialist:
If you feel immense guilt after making a decision you wish you had done differently, you may benefit from meeting with a mental health professional to process your experience of guilt and forgive yourself.
If you struggle to identify moments when you’d even need to repair with your child, you may benefit from meeting with a mental health professional to increase your insight and awareness in interactions with your child.
If you feel tempted to always shift the blame onto your child when you’re emotionally struggling, you may benefit from support from a mental health professional.
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Rosenblum KL, McDonough S, Muzik M, Miller A, Sameroff AJ. Maternal representations of the infant: Associations with infant response to the still face. Child Development. 2003;73:999–1015.
Kemp, C. J., Lunkenheimer, E., Albrecht, E. C., & Chen, D. (2016). Can we fix this? Parent–child repair processes and preschoolers' regulatory skills. Family Relations, 65(4), 576-590.
Biringen Z, Emde RN, & Pipp-Siegel S. (1997). Dyssynchrony, conflict, and resolution: Positive contributions to infant development. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 67:4–19.