Tantrums may include crying, screaming, shouting, kicking, hitting, pinching, flailing on the ground, holding onto you tightly, or running away. While there is no specific set of behaviors that determine whether or not something is a “tantrum,” there are some helpful patterns to understand.  The beginning of the tantrum is usually the peak of the child’s anger.  This is the screaming and kicking.  Over time, the emotion changes from anger to distress.  Let that sink in.  A tantrum is really an instance of anger and distress for your child.  Your child may try to cope with these feelings by seeking proximity to you (e.g., holding onto your leg) or by running away.  Toddlers communicate through gestures primarily when they experience heightened emotion, even those with advanced language abilities (Konishi, Karsten, & Vallotton, 2018; Potegal & Davidson, 2003; Potegal, Kosorok, & Davidson, 2003).

Most tantrums are a result of your child feeling a strong sense of protest for whatever may be happening or a deep feeling of being utterly defeated.  Oof.  Those are tough feelings to experience, even as adults.  Toddlers show these feelings in tantrums because they don’t have the language ability or vocabulary to accurately describe how they are feeling, and they want the feeling OUT of their body.  While the feelings behind a tantrum aren’t pleasant, it is helpful for a child to learn that they can bounce back from extreme anger or total despair.  That tough feeling doesn’t last forever, and people around them are there to support them just like they were before the tantrum started.  When the tantrum is over, both parent and child can breathe a sigh or relief knowing that you both can handle moments of frustration.  The tantrum doesn’t change how parents see their children, and it certainly doesn’t change a parent’s love.  

A less frequent “why” behind tantrum behavior

Less frequently, the “why” behind a tantrum may be a toddler’s attempt to solve a problem. In this situation, your child is not physiologically activated by the emotion (meaning her face isn’t turning red, her muscles aren’t tightening, her breathing isn’t changing, etc.).  Instead, your child is trying to solve a problem.  For example, she wants to play outside when you aren’t able to do so.  She screams and throws her arms around in an attempt to sway you to let her play outside.  It may feel tempting to roll your eyes or call it “dramatic.”  Instead, remember that your child is in the process of learning how to be a problem solver!  They are trying out the strategy of screaming to see what happens.  You can remain a helpful player in the process of learning how to solve problems by remaining calm, yet firm in your response.  And, don’t forget, this type of tantrum is actually the small minority of tantrums.

Once a tantrum starts, they tend to escalate very quickly (Potegal & Qui, 2009).  It may be more helpful to focus on catching likely circumstances when tantrums may arise to decrease the odds of a tantrum developing.  Conditions that increase the odds of tantrums are a poor night’s rest (or unrestful naptime), a hungry belly, and a deep desire for more time with a parent. However, there will still be tantrums that happen “out of the blue.”  Expect this too, and know that you are still doing a great job as a parent even when this happens.  Both proactive and reactive parenting? Give yourself a pat on the back!

Instead of thinking about a tantrum as a hurdle, see how it feels to think about it as a chance to show up for your child when he or she needs it most. That subtle mindset shift may give you the mental space you need to respond how you want to.  The strategies outlined in the Intuitive Discipline primer are also how you’ll respond to tantrums.  Let’s do a quick recap.

• Parent first. It starts with you!  Your presence has an impact on your child.  Your relaxed, confident disposition puts your child at ease.  Give yourself what you need to be able to show up for your child.

• Child second. Help your child understand what is going on by putting words to it.  Narrate what is happening.  Reflect what they say.  Label their emotion.

• Set the limit. Clearly communicate your expectations regarding their behavior.  Tell them what you want them to do.

Follow through. If you explained that there would be a consequence for their choice, it’s critical to implement the consequence (even if it feels annoying or cumbersome to actually implement it).  This is part of you being predictable and reliable for your child.