Parenting
Becoming a Parent

Patrescence: Becoming a Father

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Patrescence

Becoming a Father

20 MINUTE READ

Published August 2024

AUTHORS

Sarah Hosseini, Psy.D.
Contributing Expert, Licensed Psychologist

The transition to fatherhood is a profound journey that can reshape a man’s life and redefine his sense of purpose. As a new father adopts his paternal identity, he will encounter a path marked with changes and challenges, both expected and unexpected. The adjustment involves more than just performing new responsibilities, often accompanied by an evolution of oneself from man to father.

The art of being a father

Patrescence is the process of becoming and inhabiting the role of a father. Becoming a father is a major life transition and can be extremely challenging. Balancing the challenges of fatherhood with personal and professional roles can test one's resilience and adaptability. Fathers may struggle to evolve their identity from an individual or partner to a caregiver, while also managing societal expectations and pressures imposed on themselves. The transition to fatherhood is a journey of growth and discovery, and an opportunity to enhance their well-being and ability to thrive in their new role.

Breaking it down further

Fatherhood can take on many meanings and may look different for various individuals. Traditionally, fathers were perceived as providers and protectors, with their role primarily being defined by providing financial support and having authority within the family¹. Today, fatherhood tends to encompass a more emotionally involved and active role in childcare. However, despite the shift in paternal expectations and pressures, it is up to you to define your identity as a father. Tuning into your thoughts about fatherhood and your experiences with your own father can help shape that identity. Understanding the common changes and expectations that occur during patrescence can empower you to make meaning of your individual role as a father based on what makes the most sense for you.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes…

The transition to fatherhood involves a variety of physical, cognitive, emotional, social, and lifestyle changes²,³. All of these changes can make the adjustment feel overwhelming and present challenges when making sense of your paternal identity. Increased awareness of common changes can help normalize your experience as a new father and take the changes into consideration when shaping your identity as a father. Some of the common changes during the transition to fatherhood include:

Brain and body changes

Physical changes and how you may experience them

  • You may experience:

    • Increased empathy

    • Enhanced emotional sensitivity

  • You may experience:

    • Heightened positive emotion associated with fatherhood

    • Increased motivation to perform caregiving behaviors

  • You may experience:

    • Increased nurturing behaviors

    • Decreased aggression

    • Affectionate behaviors towards baby

    • Improved bond with baby

Lifestyle changes and how they may affect you

    • Prioritizing family time

    • Focus on creating routines and division of responsibilities

    • Finding a balance between work and family life

    • Considering flexible work options

    • Fragmented sleep schedules

    • Creating a sleep-friendly environment

    • Increased focus on maintaining physical health and longevity

    • Changes in self-care can make prioritizing one’s own physical and mental health challenging

    • Budgeting for new expenses

    • Long-term financial planning

    • Changes in relationships with family and friends

    • Changes in relationship dynamics with your partner

    • Identity shift and focus on balancing roles

    • Balancing hobbies and personal time with family responsibilities

    • Setting new goals related to one’s paternal role and development

Societal impacts . . .

Societal expectations and social stigma can also influence one’s experience of patrescence⁵,⁶. There is often a stigma associated with men who take on parenting roles traditionally associated with women, such as staying at home or providing children emotional support¹. This can be particularly true in environments where traditional norms are more deeply embedded. Societal myths about fathers can shape new fathers' expectations for how to ‘properly’ fulfill their role and tend to reflect outdated views of their role within the family²,⁵,⁶. The following are some common myths about fathers as well as a dose of reality.

Myth vs. reality

  • Reality: Research shows that fathers can be equally nurturing and emotionally supportive. Fathers who are actively involved in their children's lives contribute significantly to their emotional and psychological development. They are capable of forming strong bonds and providing emotional support¹.

  • Reality: Fathers can experience postpartum depression as well, often referred to as paternal postpartum depression. It tends to develop gradually during the postpartum period and often peaks between 3-6 months postpartum⁶.

  • Reality: While fathers have historically been seen in this light, modern fatherhood often involves active participation in caregiving, emotional support, and day-to-day parenting tasks. Many fathers now share responsibilities for nurturing, household chores, and emotional guidance¹,².

  • Reality: Fathers are fully capable of handling infant care and early childhood needs. Many fathers take on significant roles in feeding, diaper changing, and comforting their babies. Training and practice can make fathers just as effective in early childcare as mothers¹.

  • Reality: Single fathers are capable of successfully raising children on their own, just as single mothers do. They face unique challenges, but many single fathers provide stable, loving, and effective parenting. Support systems and parenting resources can help single fathers navigate these challenges successfully.

  • Reality: Both fathers and mothers face challenges in balancing work and family life. However, fathers who actively engage in parenting are increasingly finding ways to manage these responsibilities effectively.

  • Reality: Emotional expressiveness is beneficial for a child’s relationship with their father. Fathers who are open with their feelings and demonstrate affection contribute positively to their children’s emotional development and help foster secure attachments¹.

Acknowledging and understanding the myths that contribute to our perception of what a father ‘should be’ can help us reflect upon and challenge our expectations during the transition to fatherhood. This can allow you to define fatherhood on your own individualized terms and continue to evolve within that role over time.

What the research says

While the transition to fatherhood is challenging and may take time, it is not impossible to have a ‘successful’ adjustment to the new role. That can include effectively balancing the new role with existing roles, feeling confident in one’s parenting ability, and developing strong and positive relationships within the family. Successful adjustment to fatherhood is associated with numerous positive outcomes that benefit both the father and the family as a whole, including¹,³,⁵:

  • Stronger parent-child bond

    • Develop a deep, nurturing relationship with their child

    • Secure attachment and positive emotional development for the child

  • Improved mental health 

    • Reduced levels of stress, anxiety, and depression

    • Improved overall well-being.

  • Increased parental satisfaction

    • Higher levels of satisfaction and fulfillment in their parenting role

    • Feel more confident and competent as a parent

  • Enhanced relationship with one’s partner

  • Positive role modeling

  • Better work-life balance

  • Development of parenting skills (e.g., problem-solving, patience, effective communication, etc.)

Shaping your authentic brand of fatherhood

We all want to feel “in control” of our destiny, yet becoming a parent can feel…a little out of control.  While we know we cannot control every aspect of our lives, there is an opportunity to be intentional, especially related to what’s most important for your family. 

So how do you get to “intentionality?” It starts with reflection. Give yourself the benefit of time to reflect, to really look at who you are and who you want to be as a father - not with a critical eye (no social media use here please!) but with authentic reflection. This period of Patrescence brings about a wonderful opportunity to invent your newest identity - your identity as a father. We don't get many of these “big moments” of transformation in life, so let’s seize it! 

Our acronym CALM will take you through the steps of shaping your authentic brand of fatherhood. See our deep dive into these steps below¹,²,⁵,⁶,⁷!

C = Claim your strengths. 

A = Allow a learning curve.

L = Let go of expectations.

M = Meet struggles with grace

C = Claim your strengths

    • Reflect on your skills and strengths. Journaling and reflecting on past achievements and experiences can help identify what qualities you possess that can also be valuable in your role as a father.

    • Brainstorm ways to apply your personal strengths to your parenting role. For example, if you’re good at organizing, you may use that skill to manage family schedules and plan activities. If you’re a good communicator, ensure open and supportive dialogue with your partner and child. Use your strengths to set goals and tackle challenges.

    • Acknowledge and celebrate your successes throughout your fatherhood journey, no matter how small. Intentionally tuning into your achievements can help build confidence and reinforce a positive mindset. Recognize the positive impact you have on your child’s life or as part of a parenting team.

    • Remind yourself of the strengths you bring to fatherhood to build your confidence. Consistent use of positive affirmations can help reinforce your self-confidence and belief in your ability as a father. Spending one-on-one time with your child also helps increase confidence in your ability to handle challenges as a father as well as build the strength of your bond with your child.

    • Ask for feedback from your partner or close family members about what they see as your strengths. Their perspective can provide valuable insight and can increase and reinforce awareness of your own strengths.

A = Allow a learning curve

    • Shift your mindset from aiming for perfection to striving to make progress. Focus on making small improvements while learning how to fulfill your new role as a father. View mistakes as valuable learning experiences rather than failures. Understand what went wrong, learn from your mistakes, and apply those lessons in the future. 

    • Reflect on aspects of fatherhood that you find more challenging. It can help to identify tasks to tend to avoid or that you are less familiar with. What parts of your role as a father do you feel less confident in? Remind yourself that every new father has areas for improvement and normalize making mistakes along the way.

    • Be open to feedback from your partner and others. Constructive feedback can offer new perspectives and help you refine your approach. Having a routine meeting with your partner to identify each other’s strengths and areas for improvement can help you obtain an external perspective on how you’re adjusting to fatherhood.

    • It can be helpful to seek advice from experienced parents, family members, or professionals. Obtaining insight from others can provide valuable knowledge and reassurance as you navigate the new challenges of fatherhood. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups who understand what you’re going through. This can help normalize your experience and the associated challenges.

    • Recognize that becoming a father involves a steep learning curve and that it’s normal to feel unsure of yourself or to make mistakes. Be patient as you adjust to new responsibilities. Give yourself permission to learn at your own pace, without added pressure. Be open to adapting and developing new skills as your child’s needs change and as you gain more experience. Adjust your approach as needed to better utilize your strengths and address any areas for improvement.

    • Take time to reflect on your experiences and growth as a father. Recognizing how far you’ve come can help you appreciate your efforts and resilience. Journaling can help you reflect on what you’ve learned throughout your fatherhood journey. 

L = Let go of unrealistic expectations

    • Identify and recognize your expectations about fatherhood, including those that may be unrealistic. This might include perfection in parenting, balancing work and home flawlessly, or meeting the societal image of a father. Strive to understand what sources are contributing to the pressure you feel to meet these unrealistic expectations.

    • Accept that parenting is inherently unpredictable and challenging. Remind yourself that it's normal to face obstacles and that no parent is perfect regardless of what others choose to outwardly portray. Every father struggles with some aspect of the new role. Accept that making mistakes is part of the learning process. Imperfection is not a failure but an opportunity for growth and improvement.

    • Focus on setting realistic, achievable goals and allow yourself to make mistakes. Transitioning to fatherhood is a learning process, and it’s okay to not have all the answers at the beginning. Remember that you are new to this role so mistakes are to be expected. Break large tasks into smaller, more manageable steps and celebrate your progress along the way.

    • As you gain more experience in your paternal role, revisit and adjust your expectations. Be flexible and open to changing your goals as your understanding and experience of fatherhood evolves.

M = Meet struggles with grace

    • Acknowledge that it’s normal to have a range of emotions, from joy to frustration and anxiety. Accepting these feelings without judgment helps you to be kinder to yourself. Just because you do not approve of the emotion or enjoy experiencing the emotion, does not mean you cannot acknowledge and accept that is what you are feeling in this moment. You also may experience more than one emotion at the same time, even if they do not seem like they can coexist.

    • Remember that challenges are a normal part of fatherhood and that often pass with time. Keeping a broader perspective helps you maintain grace and resilience during difficult times.

    • Be kind and gentle with yourself. When things don’t go as planned, practice self-compassion. Instead of criticizing yourself, offer yourself understanding and encouragement. Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would offer to others. Recognize that it’s okay to have difficult moments and that you are doing your best. It can be helpful to pretend you are speaking to a friend who is in your situation rather than to yourself.

    • Focus on seeking solutions rather than where to place blame. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, focus on problem solving and making constructive changes moving forward. 

    • Understand that both you and your child are learning and adapting. Approach each challenge with patience and remind yourself that growth and improvement take time.

    • Engage in mindfulness exercises to stay present rather than worrying about past mistakes or future uncertainties. This will help you more effectively respond to current challenges. Simple practices like deep breathing, focusing on items in your surroundings, tuning into your senses, or meditation can help you stay grounded. 

    • Focus on the progress you’ve made and the aspects of fatherhood that bring you joy. Positivity can provide the strength needed to handle struggles gracefully.

About the author

Sarah Hosseini, Psy.D.
Sarah is a Licensed Psychologist specializing in clinical health psychology, providing individual therapy to diverse age groups with an empathetic and collaborative approach. She has extensive experience in various settings, including primary care clinics, medical centers, outpatient mental health clinics, and inpatient psychiatric hospitals, treating conditions such as depression, anxiety, trauma-related disorders, and neurodevelopmental disorders. . .

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Resources our Experts Love

  • Postpartum Support International - Help For Dads ↗

  • The Expectant Father: The Ultimate Guide for Dads-to-Be ↗

  • The Baby Owner's Manual: Operating Instructions, Trouble-Shooting Tips, and Advice on First-Year Maintenance ↗

  • Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads ↗

  • National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse - For Dad ↗

  • Cleveland Clinic - Dad-to-Be Guide: 10 Things To Do as You Prepare for Fatherhood ↗

Nutritionists

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Adult mental health

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Couples mental health

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Infant & child mental health

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Sleep coaching

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Nutritionists • Adult mental health • Couples mental health • Infant & child mental health • Sleep coaching •

When to get
expert support

Sometimes you might need more support, and that's okay! Here are times you may consider reaching out to a specialist:

  • Persistent feelings of being overwhelmed

  • Signs of postpartum depression or anxiety (Yes, this also affects fathers!)

    • Irritability, aggression, hostility

    • Increased use of substances

    • Feeling “checked out” or isolated 

  • Difficulty balancing fatherhood with other roles

    • Challenges with work-life balance

  • Low confidence in your paternal role

  • Lacking/limited support 

It is important to note that signs of paternal postpartum mood concerns tend to spike about 3-6 months after the birth of the child. The key features also tend to present differently in men and women so it is important to be aware of the common warning signs for paternal postpartum depression that are listed above⁶.

    1. Diniz, E., Brandão, T., & Veríssimo, M. (2023). Father involvement during early childhood: A systematic review of qualitative studies. Family Relations: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12858

    2. Ghaleiha, A., Barber, C., Tamatea, A. J., & Bird, A. (2022). Fathers’ help seeking behavior and attitudes during their transition to parenthood. Infant Mental Health Journal. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1002/imhj.22008

    3. Zueva, N. (2024). Once again about the father: A father is born. Journal of Child Psychotherapy, 50(2), 212–220. https://doi.org/10.1080/0075417X.2024.2355655

    4. Abraham, E., & Feldman, R. (2022). The neural basis of human fatherhood: A unique biocultural perspective on plasticity of brain and behavior. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 25(1), 93–109. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-022-00381-9

    5. Kaner, A., Cwikel, J., & Segal-Engelchin, D. (2024). The transition to fatherhood—Evaluation of an online intervention for new fathers. Psychology, Health & Medicine, 29(5), 1011–1019. https://doi.org/10.1080/13548506.2023.2260600

    6. Gaillot, E., & Wendland, J. (2024). Links between perceived social support, sense of parental efficacy and postpartum paternal depression. Annales Médico-Psychologiques, 182(3), 226–232. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amp.2023.03.002

    7. Linehan, M.M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd edition). The Guilford Press. 

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