Becoming a Parent
Creating Strong Bonds
20 MINUTE READ
Published July 2024
AUTHORS
Katie Sardone, PhD PMH-C
Head of Clinical, Licensed Psychologist & Perinatal Mental Health Specialist
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Contributing Editor, Licensed Psychologist
If you could only focus on one thing during the first few years of your child’s life to maximize their social-emotional health and development for years to come, there is no question that you should focus on your relationship with your child. As you’ll read, building a strong and lasting bond, or attachment, with your child is predictive of all sorts of good outcomes parents want for their children (including stronger friendships, greater academic success, and higher self-esteem). We’ll explain what attachment is and show you in an easily digestible way how to foster a strong relationship with your child.
What is attachment?
Simply put, attachment is the term researchers use to describe the relationship between a parent and their child. But describing it merely as a relationship between two people doesn’t quite do it justice. Researchers have defined it as “a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space”¹. This relationship offers so much internal security and confidence that it fills your child with the confidence and self-love they need to be successful and try difficult things even when they are apart from their parent. The way you see, speak, and interact with your child is teaching them their value, how they should expect others to treat them, and how they should in turn treat themselves. We are biologically hardwired to develop this type of lasting relationship with our children.
Attachment is relational. It requires two people. All parents want to do what is best for their children, but it’s easy to get lost in the problem of the day, as opposed to looking up and seeing the big picture. Being physically and emotionally present for your child is the guiding light that can help influence the small day-to-day interactions. Attachment research gives us permission (and actually encourages us!) to slow down and look for moments of connection in the midst of the hustle and bustle of practically caring for a child. Connecting with our children doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive. You can do it anywhere, anytime. It’s sharing a little laugh when someone makes a funny face. It’s giving your child a reassuring smile as they take their very first steps. It’s keeping your own desire to follow too closely inside when they are feeling confident at the park with a friend. The way you handle the small moments of today have a great impact on the future.
Breaking it down further
What does my child need from me?
A central tenet of attachment is being responsive to the needs of your child. It can feel complicated to try and consider all of your child’s needs. With regard to your child’s emotional and psychological development, we can boil it down to two primary needs: (1) the need for exploration of and learning about the world around them and (2) the need for comfort from their parent. The need for exploration is the child developing a sense of independence and autonomy as they tackle new obstacles for the first time. The need for comfort is the child looking to their parent to be with them and help them make sense of the physiological change that happens within them when they experience a strong emotion or even need a little reassurance. Both needs are good².
Children’s needs for exploration and comfort can change quickly. Let’s pretend you are at the playground with your child. When you arrive, they stand by you for a minute or so as they look around and assess their environment. They have a desire to be in close proximity to their parent due to their momentary need for comfort. The parent can meet this need by letting their child stay close by (the parent doesn’t even have to say anything!). Then, the child’s need shifts to a need for exploration as they run toward the tall slide and start climbing the ladder. The parent supports this need by standing back and letting them climb up. The child’s need then shifts back to a need for comfort as they seek reassurance from their parent through a glance as they pause on the stairs before reaching the top. The parent meets that need for comfort by giving a slight nod and smile, and saying “You got this!” The child’s need then shifts back to exploration as they slide down by themselves.
To foster a helpful attachment relationship, parents should:
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Being present with your child means spending time with them, in a way that you are engaged. Share in an activity or meal, distraction free. Exude tolerance and acceptance for however your child may be feeling. They may be bouncing up and down with joy and want you to celebrate with them, or they may be having an off day and will feel good knowing that they don’t have to have it all together in your presence. For more information on how your presence matters to your child, check out Intuitive Parenting.
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When spending time with your child, pay attention to what they say, their facial expressions/body language, and their behavior. You can learn so much by observing what is going on right before your very eyes. Their words may be communicating one message, but their tone and demeanor may be alerting you to something very different.
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This can feel easy to do when your child has the same need as you. For example, if your child wants to put their shoes on by themselves (the need for exploration/independence) and you also want them to put their shoes on by themselves, it’s an obvious and easy choice to let that happen. You supported their need! However, it can feel a bit tricky if you are paying attention to your child’s body language and notice your child has a different need than you (e.g., you have a desire for independence, but they have a need for support). Maybe you are ready for your child to be able to put their shoes on independently, but they are still looking for some guidance and reassurance that they can velcro the strap. If you were responding to your own need for your child to be independent, you may ignore their pleas for help and leave them to just figure it out. Conversely, if you were aware that the need for independence with this task was your own need/desire but your child was still seeking support, you may slow down and offer some reassurance that they are doing a great job.
What the research says
Developing a secure attachment between children and parents promotes a more satisfying and functional relationship. Children with a securely-attached relationship to their caregivers enjoy many individual and relational benefits, including:
Happier and more fulfilled daily interactions with parents and siblings³,⁴.
Greater social competence, stronger friendships with peers throughout childhood and more trusting and positive romantic relationships in adulthood³, ⁴,⁵.
Higher self-esteem, feeling confident and competent that most problems have a solution and that they can find an answer³,⁴,⁶.
A stronger sense of trust in themselves, relationships and the world around them. A belief that good things will come their way and trust in the people they love³.
Better emotional and behavioral regulation, more empathy, the ability to be kind and better coping in times of stress⁴,⁷,⁸.
Stronger early language ability, greater ability to plan, organize and pay attention, and increased academic success⁴,⁵,⁹,¹⁰.
How to implement in your home
INFANCY
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Your baby is doing tummy time and reaching for toys. They are in the very early stages of starting to move, and they can kind of inch their way across the mat toward the toy they want.
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Exploration/Independence
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Be present. Now is a good time to just be with your child, watch them play (phone free!) and narrate what they are doing. Show them you are right there with them!
Be attuned to their need. You notice your baby giggles and smiles as they reach for the toy just off the play mat. You see that they are enjoying practicing this new skill, and identify their need for exploration.
Respond to their need. Internally, you wish they’d stay on the play mat because it feels like the floors in your house are never actually clean. You think about moving the toy closer to them so they don’t have to reach and inch themselves over for it. But you remember that your baby is wanting to grow in their independence at this moment and let them continue to move toward the toy.
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You are traveling with your 8 month-old infant and got them their own airline seat (despite not really needing to have one since they could be a lap child at their age). You are excited about the splurge because your baby will be next to you while you have free hands (and a free lap!) to yourself. But your baby’s eyebrows have turned up and the corners of their mouth have turned down. You know what’s coming. Tears are most definitely on the way.
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Comfort
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Be present. Take a deep breath, then take another one. You know that whatever happens next, your baby needs your calm and comforting presence.
Be attuned to their need. You saw the subtle change in their facial expression.
Respond to their need. You had daydreamed for weeks about how this flight would go with the extra space. This is not how you pictured it, and not what you want. But you see your child’s need for comfort, and hold them in your arms. You know they love “Wheels on the Bus” so much that it could cure almost anything, so you sing it softly in their ear as you rock them side to side.
1-3 YEARS
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Recently, your toddler has not wanted to sit in the stroller during your walks together. They used to be content sitting there and looking for airplanes in the sky, but now want to walk too! Just like mom or dad is! They want to explore, and look for cool leaves and little bugs.
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Exploration/Independence
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Be present. Even though things are hectic at work, you take the opportunity as a self-care break for you and a connection point with your child. You put your phone away, clear your mind and intentionally focus on this moment..
Be attuned to their need. Your toddler squirms when you try to buckle them in the stroller, and has even started saying, “No, Mama! Walk! Walk!” You have realized that they want to walk too.
Respond to their need. Your walks with your toddler have been your special time together. The purpose has been for connection and getting fresh air. You noticed that your toddler’s desire changed in how they share in these walks with you. When you’re able to, you let your toddler walk and accept that you may just be going up and down your block these days.
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You signed up your toddler for a soccer team with their neighborhood friends. They’ve already gone to a practice and appeared to have the best time running around with their buds. Now it’s time for the first game. Your toddler has no interest in stepping foot on the soccer field.
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Comfort
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Be present. You come to the game ready to support your child. You make a conscious decision to set aside the mental to do list for the day and pay attention to the game so you’ll remember these sweet moments.
Be attuned to their need. You see your toddler sticking close by you and standing just a little behind your legs. You realize that they may feel a little overwhelmed by the hoopla of the soccer game. You identified their need for comfort and reassurance.
Respond to their need. You hold your toddler close as you tell them about what to expect during the game, and encourage them that they’ll be able to handle it. You follow your toddler’s lead on their timeline of gaining comfort with playing in the soccer game. If your child does not seem to get comfortable over time, it may be helpful to speak to a mental health professional to ensure that there are not other issues that need to be addressed.
4-5 YEARS
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To make mornings go a little smoother, you’ve been in the practice of laying out your child’s clothes the night before. Recently, they’ve been resisting putting on the pre-planned outfit. They want to pick out their own outfit!
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Exploration/Independence
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Be present. Mornings are busy in your house, but you work hard to complete a lot of the routine before your child wakes up so you can focus more attention on them. When your child wakes up you’re ready to be focused on them.
Be attuned to their need. You notice your child’s desire for more independence when dressing themselves. They’ve pushed back against the outfits you had selected and ask to wear a different shirt.
Respond to their need. Invite your child into the process of choosing their outfit. As long as they are appropriately dressed for the weather and they have the right shoes on for a certain activity, they really can wear almost anything. Your child will be excited to choose what they wear. If it’s helpful for a smooth morning, they can pick it out the night before like you had been doing too.
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It’s been a long day… for everyone. You’re relieved to make it to bedtime. You have a routine of lying in your child’s bed for a few minutes to snuggle before they go to sleep. In what feels like an unconscious decision, you find yourself scrolling through your phone as you lie in bed next to your child.
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Comfort
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Be present. Oh man. You are mentally and physically exhausted. You are doing your best to be present (and you are physically!), but emotionally you are completely distracted. And it’s apparent to your child from your total focus on your phone. Give yourself a little grace. We’ve all been there.
Be attuned to their need. If you were attuned to their need, you’d realize they want a brief moment of connection before they are ready to tell you goodnight.
Respond to their need. You’d give them a light back scratch and recount a quick, favorite story of the day. You’d give them a kiss and say “goodnight.
We know that it may be easier to think about what your child needs and how to respond to them when they are communicating more with language and are more mobile. Since responding to infants in a way that promotes a helpful attachment is just as important, we’ve listed some other ways to interact with your infant here.
Hold your baby skin-to-skin
Smile at your baby
Make eye contact with them
Make the same facial expression as your baby (what a fun game for them!)
Hold or rock your baby when they need cry for comfort
Sing to your baby
Talk to your baby in a soothing, sing-song voice
Give lots of hugs and kisses
Snuggle your baby
And remember… you cannot spoil a baby!
About the authors
Katie Sardone, PhD, PMH-C
Dr. Katie Sardone is a Licensed Psychologist and the founder of Behavioral Health Dallas, PLLC.
Margaret Vadiee, PhD
Dr. Margaret Vadiee is a Licensed Psychologist and a former Adjunct Clinical Assistant Professor at Southern Methodist University in the Psychology Department.
Nutritionists
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Adult mental health
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Couples mental health
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Infant & child mental health
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Sleep coaching
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Nutritionists • Adult mental health • Couples mental health • Infant & child mental health • Sleep coaching •
When to get
expert support
If you think you need expert support, this is a great reason to pop into office hours. Sometimes you might need more support, and that's okay!
It feels overwhelming thinking about responding to your child day in and day out.
You are filled with anxiety when thinking about your child trying things out on their own.
You dread moments of comfort with your child because you just don’t know what to do or say.
Your child seems to always have a need for comfort or always have a need for exploration. A mental health professional can help you determine if you and/or your child would benefit from support.
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