Child Mental Health
Developmental Delays & Neurodivergence

Parenting and Neurodiversity

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Parenting and Neurodiversity

How to handle the not so common concerns

20 MINUTE READ

Published September 2024

AUTHOR

Rachel Oppenheimer, PysD
Contributing Editor, Licensed Psychologist

If your child is wired a little differently, you may have some concerns that just aren’t covered in the parenting resources for neurotypical kids. Or, you may have a neurotypical child and a neurodivergent child, and you need parenting resources for all of your children. This guide will provide resources and information specific to parenting when neurodivergence is a factor.

Understand challenges, unique opportunities

When a child is identified as neurodivergent, a slew of questions and concerns come along with that child. “What will their future look like?” “Will they be accepted by others?” “How will my other children adapt?” “What resources and supports do I need?” For many diagnoses, such as autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) there is a genetic component, meaning that you may have multiple children somewhere on the neurodivergence spectrum - or you / your spouse may be neurodivergent!

Breaking it down further

All children have unique needs and challenges. Yet there are specific considerations that pertain to parenting in the world of neurodivergence. From dealing with our own emotions and reactions, to dealing with the reactions and emotions of family, extended family, and even strangers, we will break down some of the most common challenges and experiences.

Parenting Stress and Burnout

Parents of children identified as neurodivergent also report higher levels of stress and poorer physical health, as compared to parents of neurotypical children¹. This is due to many different factors, among which are the extra demands that come with parenting a child with behavior, emotional, cognitive, and sensory difference, the lack of support, and stigma from others. There are also feelings of guilt, blame, and shame that come with having a child who is not considered “typical” by societal standards. 

Many times there is a bidirectional effect between parent and child - as the parent becomes more stressed, the child’s behaviors become more dysregulated and unpredictable. As the child is more unpredictable and dysregulated, the parents' stress increases. Loving and well-intentioned parents create intervention plans targeting all areas of a child’s therapeutic world (behavior therapy, speech therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, occupational therapy, etc.) but neglect their own emotional experiences and stress. 

Self-compassion is the answer. Kristin Neff, parent of a child with autism herself, developed the concept of self-compassion as including three main components²: 

  1. Self-kindness, as opposed to self-judgment

  2. A sense of common humanity, versus isolation

  3. Mindfulness, versus overidentification. 

Self-kindness means responding to yourself with care, and understanding. We all are human, and we all make mistakes. The human tendency is to be overly judgmental with oneself - this can increase suffering! Rather, we can self-sooth and provide comfort to ourselves (see Coping in Chaos guide for more!) The common humanity aspect connects us to the shared human experience - all people have individual strengths and challenges, all people are imperfect, so it is unreasonable to expect ourselves to be different. Mindfulness means being aware of the present moment - don’t necessarily ignore the negative aspects of life, but also don’t ruminate. We can be aware, accept, offer some self-compassion, and move forward. Our children watch everything we do - your child will learn their own self-compassion strategies as you model them. 

Having fellow parents that “get it” can also help. It can feel incredibly isolating to forge a parenting path different than what you expected. Having a support group of fellow parents of neurodivergent kids is not necessarily a venting place (though, having a safe, separate space to vent can help!) It can help decrease the isolation, help connect you with that common humanity piece, help forge a community of acceptance, and even help share resources and ideas with fellow parents.

Family Dynamics

Seeing the world differently can be an enhancement within family life - but often it means a clash in perspectives, and can cause a strain on family dynamics. 

There is an increased risk of insecure attachment between parents and neurodivergent children³.  This can be due to sensory differences - finding cuddles and snuggles aversive, or even being overly touchy and clingy. It could be due to communication differences, or behavioral disruptions. Parents may have their own thoughts, feelings, and emotions about having a child with a neurodivergence. Regardless, attachment in neurodivergent children is just as important as for those of typically developing children, and efforts to develop a secure attachment can improve outcomes⁴. 

An aspect of attachment is “dyadic synchrony,” or “reciprocal responsiveness⁵.” When your baby smiles in response to your smile, that is reciprocal responsiveness, and is a foundational building block in developing a secure attachment. For children who are neurodivergent, they may not respond socially the way a typically developing child would. Parents may need to adjust their communication styles and environments to meet their child’s unique needs. 

One or both parents may be neurodivergent themselves! This can mean managing one's own executive functioning challenges, social demands, sensory difficulties, in addition to the myriad of parental demands. This also can mean a place of common understanding, and having a child feel truly seen and understood by a parent that “gets” their challenges. Having a partner with executive functioning challenges can mean making adjustments to routines, providing more structure for all family members - but also appreciating the creative and out of the box problem solving that your partner offers⁶. 

Having a neurodiverse sibling can be a challenge for a neurotypical sibling, regardless of birth order. Neurotypical siblings report decreased psychological well-being, decreased perceptions of social support, and increased levels of anxiety and stress⁷. Parents are tasked with meeting the emotional needs of all of their children - and not overly relying on the neurotypical sibling or parentifying their role. Siblings may feel resentment and confusion over their brother or sister’s specific needs. 

Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and family friends may not fully understand the neurodivergent child’s needs. Without seeing the child day to day, they may think you are overstating - or understating - your child’s needs for support and accommodation. They may view the impulsive behaviors associated with the neurodivergent child as a discipline issue - and offer unsolicited advice on how you should parent.  

Family relationships on the whole can be improved by:

(Examples of ways you can talk about neurodivergence with your family)

  • For example: “Sometimes Daddy gets overwhelmed by all the noise - he has autism, so he has extra sensitive ears. He goes to his room to calm down, not because he is upset by you.”

  • For example: “Dylan actually can participate better in our family meals when he gets to wear his headphones. He isn’t ignoring us, it helps him focus on our conversation instead of all the other sounds in the restaurant, because he has sensory processing differences.”

  • For example: “I know it’s frustrating that she isn’t sharing with you, or playing the way you want. Maybe now would be a good time to take a break and play separately for a bit.”

  • For example: “When you are hitting, you are trying to tell him to back up and give you more space. Let's try to put a stuffed animal between you two, to protect your space and make sure your brother isn’t getting hit.”

  • For example: “Sophia loves the feeling of water! We are going to play in the hose and with the water table today - are there any special water toys you want to bring to play with us? I bought you some water balloons!”

  • For example: “Robert got an A on his math test today, Grace finished a really hard week in therapy, and Mommy finished her work report. Let's have a family movie night to celebrate!”

Dealing with Stigma and Shame

Individuals who are neurodivergent (meaning that they have a developmental disability, such as ASD, an executive functioning challenge, like ADHD, a learning difference, like dyslexia, or a genetic condition, like Down Syndrome) face more stigma and shame. Those that are wired differently are at greater risk of experiencing judgment, ignorance, prejudice, and discrimination⁸. These are not experiences you want for your family!

The experience of stigma and shame is complicated and multifaceted. A large component of the stigma associated with neurodivergence is a lack of understanding. Human nature is such that we automatically “other” that which we don’t understand. An individual who isn’t talking when they are expected to, or who interacts differently may face judgment. An individual who is impulsive, or who acts without thinking - interrupting others, or “stepping on” others in conversation may face judgment. On the flip side, you don’t necessarily want to be the parent carrying a giant banner that reads “My child has ADHD! He can’t help it!” everywhere you go. Yes, this would increase understanding and context, but would probably lead to experiences of stigma and shame regardless.

The role of a parent with neurodivergent children is to create an environment of true understanding, to be able to advocate for their child, and to help the child develop a healthy sense of self⁹. This can look like: 

  • Joining groups or communities with members who have similar challenges. 

  • Respond to prejudice with kindness and education, when it is safe to - just ignoring can lead to your child internalizing, or even thinking that you agree with the prejudice. If it is inappropriate or unsafe to respond, talk to our child, explaining how you feel about them (positively!) and that you disagree with the comments made. 

  • Advocate for your child in their different environments. Even in swim class or karate, they may need support or accommodations - better to be proactive than to have your child disciplined or judged for something they can’t help.

  • Foster and develop self-advocacy skills in your child. “I need this fidget toy, because it helps me to learn.”

  • Nurture interests and strengths

  • Provide a lot of positive attention and praise - especially if aiming to counteract any negative experiences they have had during their day.

Accessing Resources and Supports

Our Screening and Assessment guide discusses how to obtain an evaluation, and the Early Intervention guide discusses the importance of early intervention, and free services either through the state run Early Intervention program or local school district, depending on age. The logistics of how to actually access these supports can be a bit murky.  Additionally, there are so many hours in a day, so many days in a week - it can feel overwhelming and impossible to provide all of the therapies - and parent other children in the home - and still enjoy family life together - and also access your own therapy and support groups! 

Everything should be tailored and specific to your child. Be wary of one-size-fits-all interventions and approaches. Notice and observe what is working for your child, and what isn’t, and adjust the treatment plan until you find an approach that works for your child and your family. 

Remember too that the interventions offered by Early Childhood Intervention and/or the local school district are the baseline. You are allowed to supplement and add on to these interventions (at your own cost). This means communicating with the insurance company. Some insurance plans will provide a patient advocate (at your request). Other plans require you to pay for this service out of pocket, but that advocate may end up saving you money as they appeal, clarify, and support insurance claims. 

There are grants that also may help supplement services, or help pay for services that are not typically covered by medical insurance. This can include things like a service dog, communication devices, private school tuition, etc. Sometimes it takes some creative thinking and problem solving to meet your child’s individual and unique needs. Remember, it is all about balance, and meeting the needs of everyone in the family.

Balancing Acceptance and Intervention

It can be incredibly confusing, as a parent of a neurodivergent child, to see the seemingly dual messages of “accept and support your child’s differences” as well as “get as much therapy and intervention as you can!” At the core of both messages is a commitment to the best quality of life. Intervention should not exist to “change,” “fix,” or “cure” your child - rather, it is about helping your child navigate the world safely, as effectively as possible, and maintaining their own unique characteristics and identity¹⁰.

The history of behavior intervention is not as accepting. Early behavior intervention was punitive and aversive, with goals related to conformity instead of compassion. As we have learned more about the strengths and traits of individuals identifying as neurodiverse, intervention strategies have moved away from “fixing deficits” and instead focus on enhancing strengths, and promoting independence. 

All children need rest and leisure time. All children need play. When developing a program of intervention for your child, you will want to make sure that there are social opportunities, and that the goals are specific and appropriate to your child’s needs. Naturalistic interventions are those that include the child’s interest and their real world environment¹¹. Naturalistic interventions make for increased generalizations - this means that the skills your child is learning in his or her therapies have a greater chance of being used appropriately in the real world. And ultimately, that is the goal - for your child to engage as safely and as effectively with their world as is possible - as themselves.

Medical Considerations

Neurodivergence within the family means not only balancing therapies and interventions, but also being aware of some of the medical complications and considerations that come with being neurodiverse. We don’t fully know why, but children with ASD, ADHD and other neurodivergences are at greater risk for certain medical conditions.  For example, children with ASD are 8 times more likely to have gastrointestinal disorders, and epilepsy or seizure disorder impact a third of people with ASD¹². Children with ADHD are more likely to experience migraines, as well as respiratory conditions such as asthma, as well as skin conditions such as eczema¹³. Additionally, children with executive functioning challenges, or coordination challenges - both of which are associated with neurodivergence - are at increased risk for accident or injury¹⁴.

This does not mean your child should be kept in a bubble! But, as a parent, it is important to keep these co-occurring conditions in mind. Children with neurodivergence often also have communication challenges, or their physical symptoms may be attributed to neurodivergence symptoms¹⁵. Part of supporting the child means supporting these potential physical health concerns as well. 

There is also increased risk for emotional concerns - neurodiverse individuals are at greater risk for anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions¹⁶.  Some of this is biological, part of how the child is wired. A lot of it has to do with how the child is interacting with and experiencing the world - and the improved mental health outcomes are part of why intervention and early intervention are so critical (see Early Intervention guide).

What the research says

  • Parenting a child with neurodivergence is associated with increased levels of stress. That stress can be mitigated by acceptance strategies, instead of trying to “cure” or “fix” the child¹⁷.

  • Positive parenting strategies are effective for neurodivergent children and neurotypical children alike¹⁸.

  • The appropriate supports and resources can improve outcomes for the neurodivergent child, parents, and family members¹⁹.

Frequently Asked Questions and Concerns

How can I make sure that my neurotypical kids feel included but not responsible for their sibling with a disability? 

Children are perceptive - and very focused on fairness. It can feel incredibly unfair for a typically developing child to see their sibling receive extra or special attention - and you may see siblings acting out, or developing resentment because of this perception. It isn’t the neurotypical child's role to manage their siblings' needs, but often they are asked to wait, forgo experiences, or adjust because of their brother or sister’s specific challenges. Parents can help improve relationships and meet all their children’s needs by:

  • Spending 10-20 minutes fully present and immersed into each of your children’s worlds communicates their value and importance to you²⁰. Of course you need to make sure that all children are safe and cared for in this time, but if your partner, a friend, or family member can attend to the other children in the home, individualized attention can have an enormous payoff in sending the message that you value your neurotypical’s thoughts, feelings and interests.

    • Read books about it, talk about what their sibling is doing in therapy (it can look REALLY fun to see a sibling in occupational therapy playing on swings and in foam pits, for example), and involve the sibling as much as possible (as appropriate). Send the message that this is about the whole family, not just the one identified “patient” in the family.

    • Find a support group for your neurotypical child, if they are old enough.

  •  A support group could be beneficial to your neurotypical child, if they are old enough.

  • Often neurotypical children are given caregiving responsibilities for their sibling, like “Look out for your brother on the playground.” Of course we want our kids to look out for each other - but remember to keep expectations age appropriate, and not overly place a burden of responsibility on the child who appears more capable.

  • Find shared activities and family routines.

What do I tell their teachers? Is it better for them to not know, so that they don’t get labeled the “problem child”?

This is an incredibly common concern - the thought is that a teacher will develop preconceptions of the child before they even meet, just by the scarlet “Special Education” label on their classroom roster. However, it can create many more problems, for the teacher, classroom, and the child, if the teacher is unprepared to support your child’s needs. 

  • Meet with the teacher or write a letter before the school year even starts, highlighting all of your child’s strengths and abilities. Give the teacher specific information on what stresses your child, and what helps them. See example below:

    “Devon is afraid of the dark, and he will likely react strongly if you turn the classroom lights off without warning.  He will do better if he is seated by a light source, and if you give him a warning about the lights going off, and explain why. He tends to do better if he can control the light, so maybe he can have the job of turning the lights on and off, if you need to use a projector or during nap time.”

  • Offer your phone number and email to the teacher, and ask for the same in return. Your child may not be able to tell you everything about his or her day, but you can stay in the loop if there is an ongoing dialogue with the teacher. This may also help curtail any blossoming issues that are arising, and may offer opportunities for connection you weren’t even aware of. See an example of how you could introduce this below:

    “Aimee has been really getting along well with her classmate Craig. Have you thought about having a playdate outside of class with Craig? I can help connect you to Craig’s mom and dad, if you’d like.”

  • Assume the best intentions, and try to help the teacher understand from your child’s perspective. You could say something like:

    “Quinn is distracted by some of the louder students in the classroom, but he is trying really hard to complete his work. He needs recess to let some of his excess energy out, and to focus better, and he ends up getting less work done when you hold him back from recess to finish his work. Can we come up with a plan together that helps him work in a less distracting part of the room, and to make sure that he gets some fun movement throughout his day?”

How involved should I be in their friendships? Shouldn’t they be picking their own friends?

Making friends is a greater challenge for kids with neurodiversity, because of the co-occurring communication and social differences we see in these diagnoses. This does not mean that your neurodiverse child doesn’t want, or need friends - in fact, friendships and social support offer a protective factor for the challenges your child experiences²¹. Everything is easier with a friend or two.

  • You could say: “Friends care about us, say nice things to us, and play with us nicely. Friends don’t call us names, hurt us, or make us feel bad.”

  • Social stories. Social stories are simple stories with pictures and simple language that help explain social situations and how to explain. They are most effective if they are individualized to your child - use pictures from their real life world.

  • Practice playing together, asking questions, and sharing toys and games with safe peers, such as siblings, neighbors, cousins and classmates.

  • If your neurodivergent kid LOVES bugs (and I’m sorry if you don’t), it's time to find a nature center or science group that offers classes or groups for similar aged kids who also share the same interest.

  • The whole point of friendship is to have shared enjoyment - the process of making friends shouldn’t feel like more therapy or a stressful endeavor.

I feel so overwhelmed by my child’s needs - what do I do?

A lot of feelings come along with having a child with a disability. No matter when your child was diagnosed - from before birth or shortly after birth (such as in genetic conditions like Down Syndrome) or later in childhood, after a likely confusing path of challenges and milestones - it probably isn’t what you imagined your parenthood journey to look like. Acknowledge these feelings! A lot of parents necessarily need to go through a process of grieving and mourning the “perfect” or “typical” ideal to be able to adjust to the reality of raising a child with a disability. Seek support - many times friends and extended family want to help, but don’t know how. Be intentional and specific in asking for help. “I need someone to pick up Steven from school 3 days a week, so that I can be fully present and pay attention to Sophie’s therapies.” “I need help remembering how to be an adult. Can we schedule a weekly phone call to talk about TV shows and books - and not meltdowns and behavior plans?” Additionally:

  • You may not be able to have enough resources and hours in the day to do EVERY therapy recommended. Prioritize those that develop foundational and functional skills - these are the ones that can be built upon in later therapies. If you have a choice between speech therapy, and art class, speech therapy is probably going to be more effective - your child being able to communicate his or her needs will lead to future gains. (Though, both are great if you can do both!) Having a predictable routine will help your child know what will happen next, navigate their day, and feel calmer and safer - and lead to less choices you are having to make moment to moment.

  • You cannot be an effective parent if you don’t have the ability to be present and regulated yourself. Prioritize sleep, exercise, mindfulness and stress management. Parental well-being impacts children’s well-being - they do better when you feel better²².

  • A child’s development is unique and multifaceted - and we often cannot see the progress and gains day-to-day, as we are in the daily grind of parenting.

  • Focus on abilities, talents, interests, and positives.

  • This unique wiring offers perspectives and viewpoints that often isn’t considered by a neurotypical mind. Rather than trying to look for conformity, embrace the differences - your very acceptance is creating more acceptance within the family, community, and within your child themselves.

About the author

Rachel Oppenheimer, PhD, PMH-C
Dr. Rachel Oppenheimer is a licensed psychologist and licensed specialist in school psychology, licensed to practice in both Texas and Florida. She founded Upside Therapy & Evaluation Center in 2016, working in private practice prior to that.

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  • How To Think Like A Behavior Analyst: Understanding the Science That Can Change Your Life ↗

  • Living with a Brother or Sister with Special Needs: A Book For Sibs ↗

  • Some Brains: A Book Celebrating Neurodiversity ↗

  • ADHD & Us: A Couples Guide to Loving and Living with Adult ADHD ↗

  • Different, Not Less: A Neurodivergent’s Guide To Embracing Your True Self and Finding Your Happily Ever After ↗

  • Understood.org ↗

  • Tilt Parenting Podcast ↗

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Nutritionists • Adult mental health • Couples mental health • Infant & child mental health • Sleep coaching •

When to get
expert support

Sometimes you might need more support, and that's okay! Here are times you may consider reaching out to a specialist:

  • When you are overwhelmed by the parenting demands you are faced with

  • When you feel that you aren’t meeting the needs of everyone in your family

  • When you feel stuck trying to make treatment and intervention decisions

  • When behaviors feel unmanageable or out of control

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